Splendor
by fluffy pantoufle
Summary: Two is company, three's a crowd. Or is it? After a crazy night out, Quistis wakes up to find herself with not one, but TWO young men. Who's to say that she actually has to CHOOSE between them? Based loosely off of the films Splendor AND The Hangover!
1. Utter Confusion

**_Splendor_**

_By: fluffy pantoufle_

**Disclaimer: **The following story is based off of the characters and universe created by Squaresoft. Furthermore, the plot is based very loosely off of "Splendor," a film by Gregg Araki.

**Warning: **Tentatively rated **M **for language and potential lemony goodness.

**A/N: **OK, so I have no idea whether or not I'm going to be cooking my own goose by attempting to work on two lengthy stories at once… But I've had the idea for this for SUCH a long time! I need to at least type out a prologue or something! And I think the notion of writing something playful while working on "Life Long Forgotten" makes for a good balance. Not only that, but I broke my ankle/foot last week! **LAME**. So writing this will be a fabulous way to keep my mind off of things while I heal.

It started out as a Squall/Rinoa/Zell… But then I decided that it would be too tame and quite frankly, a little boring. Plus, I just hate Squall and really would love to avoid writing his character as much as possible. The idea of this story being Seifer/Quistis/Zell then popped into my mind, and I decided that this particular trio would be so much more fun to work with. ^__^ I hope you think the same! Feedback is, as always, welcome with open arms!

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Never in a million years would Quistis Trepe have thought that the sound of her own telephone ringing could be so excruciatingly painful. She winced at the shrill cry of a cellular device demanding to be answered and tried to bury her face even deeper into her pillow. Try as she might, the normally tolerable ring tone became a foghorn to her alcohol sodden ears and brain and for the millionth time, the instructor cursed Xu and Selphie for thoroughly saturating her senses with shot after burning shot.

Quistis knew that she had to lighten up a little bit - she was well aware of the fact that her work dominated a massive portion of her life. Most of her time was spent triple-checking papers she had graded or tutoring students after class. What little time she had to herself, the lovely young blonde spent doing leisure reading - however, what was leisurely for Quistis was considered arduous for everyone else.

Earlier in the week, Xu had accused her of growing old before her time. "Damn it, Quis, I feel like I'm going to have to pick up nursing home brochures for you the next time I travel to Winhill! I thought we were going to have to get one of those motorized scooters for Cid, but it seems to me that you'll be rolling around in one soon enough."

What Quistis wasn't aware of was the fact that "lightening up" for Xu involved taking one's liver to the bars and pubs of Deling City and utterly beating it into submission. She had never been a big drinker or partier, but relented to her best friend soon after she was handed a flyer for the Sorceress Festival. Ever since the fall of Ultimecia four years prior, Deling City held a week-long celebration to commemorate the triumph of the Fated Children - and humanity in general - over the malicious sorceress. What better way to honor the occasion than to be in a constant state of blackout for seven days?

As the cell phone rang, Quistis suddenly remembered that last double shot of curiously blue liquid that she took down with Xu, Selphie, Irvine, and Nida. Bad decision. The instructor was convinced whatever was in that particular shot glass was what did her in…of course, she strove to remember everything else she imbibed, but came up short.

With a groan, Quistis struggled to find her phone - she probably would have found it quicker if she actually bothered to open her eyes. All she wanted to do was end the incessant, ghastly ringing. When she felt it in her hand, she pushed the "send" button, not bothering to check who was calling. "Uh…can I help…you? This is…Trepe. Quistis. Ugh." Instead of pressing the phone to her ear, Quistis was instead laying the side of her face on the phone and hoped that it was close enough for her to hear the voice on the other end. "What do you want?"

"Quisty? Hyne, you sound like _shit._" Xu laughed from the other side of the line. "I'm just glad that you're alive! Selphie's been out looking for you all morning. Where are you?"

"Good question." Quistis took a moment to ponder that query before her glacially blue eyes fluttered open in alarm. She _should _have been in the room that she was sharing with Xu and Selphie in the Galdabia Hotel. What she thought was her bed was, in actuality, the unyielding sofa of another room in the same building. As she sat up and tried to get her bearings, Quistis felt an unbearable pounding in her head. Her stomach lurched and its contents almost found their way onto the hideously lavender shag carpet. With the carpet and the gaudy yellowish wallpaper, Quistis would have thought that she was in a nursery from Hell. However, the bottles that were strewn throughout the place suggested that this room belonged to _anyone _but a baby - unless that baby happened to overindulge in the brandy that was meant only for their teething.

"I wish I knew."

The instructor could hear her friend sigh and begin to rummage though something - presumably her suitcase. "Damn it. OK. Find out where you are, and call me back. Don't make me have to come and find you - I left my gun at Garden."

"I'll be fine, Xu. I think I'm just…in another room."

"Why?"

Quistis shrugged, then realized that Xu wouldn't have seen her gesture. She tucked a lock of her blonde hair behind her ear and exhaled. "Hyne, I don't know. Maybe if you hadn't fed me all those shots I'd have an adequate answer."

Xu scoffed. "Oh, please. You _loved _it. You only told me at least sixty-eight times how much fun you were having…even after we got kicked out of that one bar for dancing on the tables."

"…what?"

_Click. _Xu could be such a bitch sometimes.

Quistis dropped the phone onto the couch cushion and placed her hands on her head, exasperated. Why the _hell _was she in a room other than her own? And on the couch, no less? She heard quiet breathing coming from the bedroom and decided to check it out, but first wanted to survey her own damage. Staggering to her feet, the blonde made her way to the full length mirror against the wall.

"Oh, sweet heavens."

To call Quistis merely "hung-over" would have been the understatement of the century. Her long hair had at one point been pulled up in a loose and messy, but extremely calculated hairdo. Now, her bangs and the left side of her coif had been roughly pulled out of the bun, giving her the exceptionally alluring appearance of a bag lady. Her smoky eyes and red lipstick were smeared every which way across her face. The leftover mascara was imprinted on the lower portion of her right eye; Quistis mused that she looked rather like a raccoon. She let out a breathy laugh as she rubbed off the body glitter that Selphie had insisted everyone put on…why it was now concentrated on her forehead, Quistis didn't know.

The most disconcerting aspect of her current get-up was the fact that her outfit was…well, half of it was on the other side of the room. Her skirt was on backwards, and her top was mysteriously strewn on the floor, next to the coffee table. She flushed crimson, even though no one was watching, and ran to get her shirt. Running, however, turned into stumbling - clearly, Quistis was going to be taking it _very _slow today.

A sudden flushing of the toilet made Quistis's insides jolt. For the life of her, she couldn't remember who she was currently sharing this room with. She fought valiantly with her top, trying to put it on and soon remembering that she borrowed this intricately designed number from Rinoa. What she thought were sleeves weren't sleeves and were rather just strategically placed slits in the bodice of the top.

"…Quisty, are you all right?" It was a soft, familiar male voice that questioned her from the other side of the room.

She must have been one funny sight to behold. The instructor managed to get her head through the shirt, but had her arms twisted through the fabric like an intoxicated pretzel. It wasn't until the mystery man came over and helped her to remove her arms from their confines that she took a good look at his face. His expression was worried, but quickly became amused when he deduced that she was simply hung-over.

"Zell."

He winked. "In the flesh."

Quistis took a moment to step back and take him in. He stood an inch shorter than her, but Zell Dincht had an incredible body to compensate for his lack of vertical prowess. Every last bit of him was toned, defined, and positively delightful. She scolded herself for thinking of one of her childhood friends in such a manner, but it was undeniable: Zell was _hot._

"I, um…I was wondering if you could tell me…" She laughed, thinking about how ridiculous she must have sounded. "…do you know what happened last night?"

Zell raised an eyebrow before chuckling himself. "I was hoping you could tell me the same thing, Quis…although I think I kind of have an idea as to what went down."

"What?"

Oh, this kept getting better and _better._ Quistis didn't realize it at first, but as her eyes adjusted to the light, she noticed the red marks that adorned Zell's chest and torso…red marks that, conveniently enough, matched the shade of lipstick she was currently wearing. She followed the faded path of crimson, lip-shaped marks with her eyes until they found themselves dangerously close to the waistband of his shorts. Not only that, but Quistis also discovered where the rest of her body glitter had gone to…

He could read the expression on her face, and the martial artist immediately outstretched his arms to her. "Don't panic, Quisty - I mean, I don't really remember what happened either! I really don't think I shoulda been doing shots with Selphie…she's absolutely insane! We could just talk about-"

She lifted a single finger, signaling for him to be quiet. "It's all right, Zell. I just need time to figure out what exactly happened here, that's all."

The blonde boy shrugged. "I think it's pretty damn obvious what happened here, if you ask me. I just wish I could recall it…must've been _amazing_."

Quistis could feel the heat in her cheeks and was about to say something, but just at that moment…the bed creaked. Four azure colored eyes widened in shock - who the hell else would be in the room? The instructor could see Zell as he mouthed: "I thought you were still in bed." She shook her head and pointed to the couch.

"Fucking headache," the voice muttered to no one in particular. This one sounded deeper and notably huskier than Zell's, although that could have been simply a product of the hang-over he must have been feeling. Quistis and Zell froze when they heard two feet hit the ground and head for the doorway. Zell turned around to face the man, and what he and Quistis saw left them both reeling. "…Chicken-Wuss? What the _fuck _are you doing in my room?"

"I thought…I thought…" The younger blonde stammered, trying to find an adequate excuse. "Shit. I don't know."

"Seifer, what in Hyne's name is going on?" Quistis placed her hands on her hips and for a moment, forgot that she was standing in front of the two men clad only in her bra and a skirt. When she saw that the same red marks that decorated Zell's body could be found on Seifer's throat and cheek, however, the young woman felt her stomach do another loop-de-loop.

"Instructor?" Seifer looked Quistis up and down before nodding approvingly. "The morning after look suits you. Maybe if you exchanged your SeeD uniform for that get-up, less students would fall asleep in your classes."

"Show a little goddamn respect, Almasy," Zell mumbled.

"Excuse me, Dincht?" Seifer questioned the smaller blonde. "I don't remember asking you anything other than why the hell you're standing here in your fucking underwear. A little _queer_, don't you think?"

Seifer obviously meant the word to have double meaning and successfully insulted Zell. The martial artist rose to the occasion and began to head towards his nemesis. "Who do you think you're talking to? You shouldn't even _be _here! This festival is for celebrating the fact that we whupped your sorry ass!"

"Fucking _Chicken-Wuss!"_

"Filthy _Lapdog_!"

"STOP IT!" Quistis suddenly shouted over the noise, rubbing her temples. "Aren't you two a little too hung-over for this? I know I am…" She moved over to the couch and plopped down, inhaling deeply. "Grow up. It was four _fucking _years ago."

Both young men seethed and stared at each other, fists clenched. It wasn't until several seconds later that Zell noticed the lipstick that covered Seifer's face…conveniently enough, the same lipstick that festooned his chest, abs, and, well…perhaps several other regions that shouldn't be mentioned at the moment. Seifer noticed it too, because his were the first two fists that seemed to relax. His emerald eyes found their way to Quistis, who was leaned back, eyes closed.

"Who in Hyne's name mixed our drinks last night?" Seifer queried. "I can't remember a thing."

Zell shrugged; he was still apprehensive to accept the fact that the gunbladist had seemingly calmed down a bit. "Me neither."

"I'll bet that faithful Instructor Trepe took _painstakingly _accurate notes as to what happened though, am I correct? A diagram or two? Flow chart?" The former knight smirked, hoping to get a rise out of Quistis. When he failed, he crossed his arms across his chest. "This is the part where you're supposed to insult me…you know, generally call me a bastard and a poor student. Maybe insult my past choices or shoot down my future hopes."

"Seifer, I don't know what happened."

"…oh."

Zell sat down next to Quistis on the couch. "I'm never, ever drinking again. Every year I black out at this stupid festival."

"Don't be such a wimp, Dincht."

The martial artist was about to retort, but Quistis placed a hand on his shoulder, never once opening her eyes. "Please, do me a favor. Control yourselves, even if just for this morning."

"Afternoon," Seifer corrected. "It's about three thirty."

"What?!" Quistis and Zell both cried. Instead of responding, Seifer headed for the nearest bottle of alcohol and picked it up, evaluating its contents. He took a swig and winced slightly as he swallowed before handing the bottle to Zell. "What the hell is this?" Zell inquired hotly.

"Just shut the fuck up and drink it," Seifer said. "Hair of the dog."

Zell lifted the bottle to eye level and swirled the liquid before raising it to his lips. He took a hearty sip and handed it to Quistis, who waved it away. She was trying desperately to recreate the previous night's events in her mind, but to no avail. While all the evidence was standing right in front of her - in partially nude glory, no less - Quistis refused to believe the obvious. How could it have happened? These two men hated each other since youth! No way…no way in _hell._

Xu had a lot of explaining to do.

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A/N: So...maybe a cross between _Splendor _and _The Hangover? _Hah! Time will tell what happens to our most lovable trio of blondes! ^__^


	2. The Night Before

_**Splendor**_

_By: fluffy pantoufle_

Disclaimer: Selphie's song of choice for this chapter is "Right Round" by Flo Rida. Obviously, I am not him. Although that probably would be hilarious if I were.

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"Xu, I don't know about this…"

"What on Gaia don't you know about? You look _spectacular, _Quistis."

"Are you out of your damned mind? I look like a two gil hooker!"

"Hooker? No, no…for you, I'd use the phrase 'lady of the night.' Sounds significantly more mysterious. Besides, you'd be at _least _a twenty gil hooker. You know, if it came down to it."

Quistis raised an eyebrow at her friend as she mentally conjured up a scene that involved herself prowling the streets and turning tricks. The idea left a bitter taste in her mouth. Xu, on the other hand, laughed and tried to steal back some of the full-length mirror from Quistis; the brunette had spent so much time perfecting the instructor's outfit that she failed to give herself a proper one-over. She was a high-ranking SeeD, but no one would ever guess her occupation tonight. With a metallic gold top that could be described as something between a vest and a corset and a black mini-skirt, the last thing on Xu's mind was Garden.

The blonde eyed her friend as she turned every which way in the mirror as if to get a complete, three hundred and sixty degree view of her attire. Regardless of her reserved presence amongst her peers, Xu exuded confidence and allure. It seemed as if the stuffy polyester material of the SeeD uniform subdued her magnetism in everyday life. Quistis smiled to herself - if the uniform merely _subdued_ Xu, she wondered whether or not she should just put a bag over her own head and be done with it. She never thought of herself as a beauty, and even four years and thousands of admirers later, her self-image hadn't changed.

"Quisty!" Xu waved a hand in front of her face. "What's wrong?"

Seeing that she was caught thinking - Xu explicitly stated that there was to be less _thinking _and more _drinking _all week long - Quistis simply shrugged. "I'm sorry, Xu. I've just got a lot of my mind, is all. Can't help it."

The SeeD rolled her eyes as she turned around, scanning the dresser behind them for her bottle of perfume. "Are you still worried about the argument you had with the Lapdog? You two aren't even dating, so I don't understand all of this…this dramatic sigh, bated breath _bullshit._ If there's anything that you don't have to be dealing with at this point in your life, it's Seifer Almasy."

"It's not that. It's just…" Quistis paused. She knew that explaining anything to Xu about her budding friendship with the exiled SeeD candidate would prove fruitless at the moment. When the older brunette wanted to enjoy herself, she wasn't willing to let anyone's sad stories bring her down, much to the instructor's chagrin. Moreover, it didn't help that Xu despised Seifer, probably more so than anyone else. Not only was he the Sorceress's Knight, but before that he was one of the biggest thorns in the rear end of Balamb Garden.

Xu pressed her index finger to her lips, then gave herself several squirts from an ornate perfume bottle along the nape of her neck and throat. "Not another word, Quis. I really, _really _want you to have fun this week. I know that after tonight there's still five more nights to get blitzed, but I'd like to start things off on the right foot, OK?"

Before either one of them could say another word, the chaotic sounds of an inebriated Selphie Tilmitt filled the hotel room. Funnily enough, neither Xu or Quistis gave much thought to the fact that the tiny brunette had been silent for over an hour. However, as everyone learned over the years, a silent Selphie was typically a terrifying Selphie. Not only that, but it was a general rule of thumb that if you could _hear _the girl before you actually _saw _her, you had a problem on your hands.

"You spin my head right _round, _right ROUND, when you go DOWN, when you go _down _DOWN!"

Quistis immediately made a mental note to kill whoever taught Selphie this song. Drunk, sober - regardless of her state of mind, she'd be singing it all week long.

"HEY! Walk out the house with some _sweaters, _hop in and let's go, I was eatin' some _dough!" _

Xu grumbled beneath her breath. "Hyne, I wish I had silence magic junctioned so I could _end _this fucking cruelty."

For the most part, Selphie's lyrics were completely unintelligible. She was using an empty beer bottle as a microphone while taking swigs out of what appeared to be a bottle of Estharian, triple distilled vodka. The skirt of her lime green dress swished from side to side as she jumped up and down in unbridled, drunken joy. Clearly, no one had to tell her when to get the party started - more often than not, Selphie Tilmitt _was _the party.

Quistis checked her watch. "It's only nine-thirty, Selphie…"

"Well, we know that at least one of us is ready for Cactuar Bar!" Xu shrugged and gave Quistis a squirt of the same perfume she used before grabbing her purse off of the dresser. Immediately, the scent of roses and cedar wood filled the air in an overpowering cloud. "Do me a favor, Quisty - grab my flask from the freezer?"

"The freezer?" The blonde checked the mini-fridge and noticed that Xu's flask was nestled right in the back of the freezer section. She felt the cold, smooth steel of its exterior on her fingertips and unscrewed the top, taking a whiff of its mysterious contents. "What do you _have _in this Hyne-forsaken thing?!"

"Oh, shut up and take a sip. It's a little something that I call Booze of the Unknown King." When Quistis failed to respond, Xu sighed. Obviously, she was the only one that found her moniker funny. "It's not a creative name, but trust me… It doesn't _need _one."

* * *

Xu was absolutely right about her concoction and its alarming potency. By the time the trio of women left the hotel and walked down the street to Cactuar Bar, the flask had been emptied. They giggled as the alcohol set in, pleasantly numbing their lips and cheeks. The lights of Deling City flashed that much brighter as they strolled the sidewalk, arms linked. It seemed as if all Gaia flooded this one particular street for the opening night of the Sorceress Festival. Everywhere one looked, another outrageous scene of debauchery was laid out for all the world to see. For the SeeDs, all of whom lived with a regimented schedule, this level of merriment and intoxication was almost too much for their senses to bear.

Selphie walked in the middle of the trio, her arms wrung tightly around those of Quistis and Xu. The bombed brunette didn't want to admit that she needed her friends for support, especially at such an early hour. Quistis was carrying a bottle of water that she would periodically hand to Selphie in an effort to flush at least _some _of the vodka from her system. The tiny girl would swallow a mouthful and slur a wholehearted thanks to her taller friend before handing the bottle back.

Cactuar Bar was the favorite Galbadian hangout for most of Balamb Garden, and tonight was no exception. Green and yellow lights flashed and dazzled outside the club as the three women handed the doorman their IDs and allowed him to stamp their hands. As soon as the doorman handed Selphie back her identification, she tore away from both Quistis and Xu - Irvine was waving wildly at them and was taller than most of the crowd.

Xu could sense the apprehension coming from Quistis and grabbed the blonde's hand. "Come on! Shots! Bar! GO!"

Being the taller of the two, Quistis led the way to the bar and inevitably their friends. Selphie already had her arms wound around Irvine's waist as the cowboy draped a protective arm around her shoulders. Zell was sitting on a stool and leaned back comfortably against the bar. Nida also stood with the group, tentatively sipping a large glass of dark-colored beer. The shy SeeD was the first to smile at the arrival of the duo; it was common knowledge that he had a crush on Xu, despite their drastic personality differences.

"How're you ladies doin' tonight?" Irvine drawled, his accent formulated by a combination of alcohol and his distinctive Galbadian twang.

"Thirsty!" Xu exclaimed as she tried to scope out a section of the bar that would be easiest to infiltrate and order her shots. "Where should we go, Quisty?"

Zell saw the girls trying to get near the bar and immediately shot up. "One of you guys could have my seat if ya want!" He said, trying to shout over the pulsating music.

Quistis smiled and nodded in his direction. For all of his boundless energy, Zell Dincht couldn't pass up an opportunity to be a gentleman. She took it upon herself to take his seat, teetering on her high heels in the process. The martial artist quickly grabbed her waist and steadied the tipsy instructor. "Thank you, Zell," she said, just loud enough to reach his ears over the resounding techno beat. "You're always…so nice."

He flashed her a smile that was every bit as bright as the lights outside of the club. "Just helping out a friend, Quisty. Do you want a drink?"

Right as Quistis was about to respond - a stiff White Wind sounded like a _fabulous _choice - Xu appeared out of seemingly nowhere and thrust a shot glass in her face. "Bottoms up, baby!" In the glass sloshed around a strange, pinkish liquid. "They're good! I just did two with the bartender - they were all on the house!"

The blonde woman took the glass and shrugged, downing its contents in one fell gulp. Zell watched her curiously as she drank - he never would have pegged Quistis for drinking anything beyond a glass of red wine. To see her in such a liberated state was surprising, but nevertheless made him happy. Ever since they were small, Zell always wanted to see Quistis have fun…it didn't happen nearly enough.

"…that _was _good!" Quistis said incredulously, her frosty blue eyes wide with astonishment. "It tasted like Ms. Moogle's Cake!"

Xu winked. "Hell to the _yeah, _it did!" The brunette leaned in close to Quistis. "I'm gonna go and pester Nida. He looks like he needs someone to shake him up a bit, eh?" They both glanced over at him, standing awkwardly and glancing around the club, hoping to find a familiar face. He looked as if he were about to talk to Irvine, but the cowboy was oblivious to the poor SeeD and instead lavished Selphie with all his attention. "Yeah…he _totally _needs someone to grab his ass. I'll be back."

Quistis watched as her friend sauntered towards the defenseless Nida. This had the potential to be either the greatest or most frightening night of his life, depending upon how Xu felt within the next fifteen minutes or so. With a smirk, she pivoted in her stool and hooked her heels on its bottom rung. She leaned against the bar and was about to order that White Wind when the stool next to her opened up and Zell took advantage. He fished several pieces of gil from his pocket and threw them down onto the weathered, wooden surface of the bar.

"I really _was _gonna buy you that drink, Quisty," he said, trying desperately to maintain his gentlemanly state of mind. _She doesn't realize how great she looks right now…_

It was true - Quistis sat there as if she were wearing her SeeD uniform, when in actuality she was nothing short of a bombshell. The deep violet of her sleeveless, strategically sliced top complemented her creamy white skin flawlessly. That tiny black skirt did nothing to conceal her damningly long legs. Not only that, but she wore her hair in a tousled style that reminded Zell of the way a girl's hair would look after a night of rollicking -

"Very well, Dincht." His former instructor and current friend gave him a sidelong smile, drumming her fingers absently against the tops of her thighs. She tried to meet his azure gaze, but the alcohol impeded her ability to do so…since when did Zell have _four _eyes? "I would love a White Wind, please."

"Ah, OK! Kinda girly, but I'll get it for you…" Zell was quickly successful in grabbing the bartender's attention; he ordered Quistis's cocktail and a Mimett lager for himself. "You _sure _you don't shoot whiskey like Xu?"

Behind them, Xu could be heard in full force. The sound of a slap reached their ears, and Quistis knew that Nida's backside was going to be sore in the morning. "Absolutely positive. It's bad enough we drank…whatever was in Xu's flask on the way over here." Her statement was interrupted by a hiccup that was quickly stifled.

"Shit! That wasn't Booze of the Unknown King, was it?"

"Maybe…?"

"Oh, _man!_ That's some serious shit, Quisty - Xu made that for Squall's birthday last month. He had one cup of it, and that was the most I ever heard him talk. Ever."

"Really?" Quistis's eyes narrowed - anything strong enough to make Squall spew full sentences was certainly going to knock her for a loop.

The martial artist nodded. "Yeah, I'd pace myself tonight if I were you."

"I don't know if pacing yourself is an option when you're out with Xu…"

Without warning, a pair of arms slid themselves around the shoulders of both Zell and Quistis. Xu poked her head in between them, grinning uncharacteristically wide. "We are doing another shot. Right now. You bitches." She removed her arm from around Zell and waved to the bartender. "Another round of the pink ones, buddy!"

* * *

Four shots and a Galbadian Car Bomb later, Quistis Trepe wouldn't have known her name if you spelled it out for her. She knew that typically she could have handled that much alcohol - what was the problem?

_Booze of the Unknown King…_

She blinked once, twice, three times. The music was still loud and obnoxious, but the alcohol forced it sonorously into the background. Nida and Xu were nowhere to be found - after the last round of drinks, Xu decided that the reticent cadet was the most attractive guy in the room. Quistis laughed - either Nida's dreams were coming true, or were quite quickly turning into nightmares. Xu, despite her petite frame, was a _lot _of woman to handle - metaphorically speaking, anyway.

Zell was still sitting next to Quistis. Both were leaning their shoulders against the bar, staring out at the sea of characters before them. Selphie was still clinging to Irvine for dear life, but luckily had sobered up quite a bit. The cowboy was leaning against a support, letting the tiny brunette rest all her weight against his body. Around them were all of your atypical drunks - the dancers, the philosophers, the alcohol-induced best friends.

"Quisty?" Zell asked, turning to face his fellow blonde. He noticed the pink flush in her cheeks, a similar color to the liquid that was in her shot glass all night. His words came out slow and slurred. "I'm glad…you're here tonight. This is fun."

"I'm glad too." She replied with a luminous grin.

"Aw, that's great…I've been waiting so long to see you smile again, Quisty…"

She cocked her head to the side. For some reason or another, his comment created a sudden swell of emotion within her that she couldn't quite explain. "What, Zell?"

At first, he thought that she didn't hear him. However, upon evaluating the expression on her face, he knew that she was well aware of what he said. "Uh, what I meant was…you just seemed so sad lately, and, uh…I want you to be _happy, _Quis! You need to smile…you're so pretty when you smile."

The martial artist barely got his last words out before Quistis grabbed him roughly by the hand and was leading him through the crowd, to the front door… When they reached the sidewalk, cool air rushed around them and sent a shiver down the blonde man's spine. All the lights seemed dimmer now, and the people walking the streets were less numerous.

"Quistis?"

Much to Zell's surprise, his question was met with Quistis - the blonde bombshell, no less - grabbing him by the collar of his tee shirt and tugging his body to her own. She crushed her lips against his, neither one having a chance to really catch their breath. The taste of various liquors danced and combined with one another as she explored his mouth with her tongue, casting all inhibition aside.

The poor young man was in a state of shock, arms hanging loosely at his sides. What do you _do _when your former instructor and childhood friend is kissing you madly, whimpering, one hand grabbing your hair and the other clawing at your shirt? Zell decided that this was probably never going to happen again and to take advantage of the situation - gentleman be damned! He wrapped his arms around her waist and forced her against the brick wall of the club. The scent of roses - undoubtedly from Quistis's perfume - mingled with the sweet, burning scent of the booze, driving him absolutely crazy. She moaned against his lips at the moment of impact. Cool brick against warm skin never felt so good.

Suddenly, Quistis broke the kiss and stared into Zell's eyes, bewildered. "What…?"

"Is everything all right?" The gentleman in Zell quickly reappeared; his hands dropped from Quistis's hips and he took a step backwards. Alcohol inundated his senses, making him feel woozy - although a bit of it was probably brought upon by the intensity of the kiss. "Quisty? You OK?"

"Yeah, yeah…" She placed a palm against her forehead and exhaled, the confused expression never quite leaving her face. Even to Zell's inebriate eye, he could tell at that moment that Quistis Trepe was far drunker than he. "I just…"

"What? Are you gonna be sick?"

"No." Surprisingly - Quistis was _full _of surprises tonight - the blonde instructor's appearance softened. "You…want me to be happy?"

"Of course I do!" Zell answered with no hesitation. "Why wouldn't I? You're one of my oldest friends…"

Out of the corner of her eye, Quistis unexpectedly spotted Nida and Xu. Knowing full well that she should scoop up Xu and head back to the hotel, Quistis nodded towards them. "I really should go to sleep…"

"…that's probably a good idea," Zell replied with a strange tone in his voice, thoroughly staggered that she changed gears so quickly. Was the tone in his voice disappointment?

"Zell," She began, still leaning against the wall, "I mean, if you were up for it…I don't know which hotel you and Irvine are staying in, but we're in the Galbadia. Selphie will probably stay with Irvine, so…"

_No. Fucking. Way. _Was Quistis Trepe inviting Zell Dincht back to her room? He was almost tempted to pinch himself right then and there - this couldn't actually be happening. Not in a million years, nor in Time Compression…_never._

"Um…OK? I'll probably just sleep on your couch, though…"

Quistis's eyes narrowed as she tried to think of her room number. _Was it 320? No, it couldn't have been…520? I _think _that's it…right? _

"Our room is 520. I'm going to get Xu, but…" Quistis leaned forward and pressed her lips against Zell's one last time. "Come by once you tell Irvine where you'll be, all right?"

With all the subtlety and grace of an angel, Quistis then slid out of Zell's hands and made her way towards Xu. However, once she was out of the martial artist's sight, Quistis suddenly traded in said ethereal grace for the clumsiness of a newborn Moomba. One of her high heels snapped and with a yelp, Instructor Trepe went tumbling down.

"Quisty!" Xu yelled as her friend laid drunkenly on the ground, blue eyes closed shut. Her arms were laid out to the sides and her legs straight, giving her the very rigid shape of a 't.' "What the _fuck? _Is anyone alive down there?"

"Yeah, yeah…" Suddenly, the blonde began to laugh - quite loudly, at that. "I haven't had this much fun in _ages!" _

* * *

After saying goodbye to Nida, whose face betrayed the fact that Xu had more than likely scarred him for life, Xu and Quistis stumbled back to the Galbadia Hotel. The shorter brunette was supporting most of her friend's weight; clearly, Xu had forgotten the fact that she could drink Quistis under the table without trying. Hell, Xu could probably drink Ward Zabac under the table without trying. It was only one of her varied, Hyne-given gifts.

"You spin my head right round…right _rooound," _Quistis drunkenly crooned. She was holding her broken shoe in one hand, flailing it about without much thought. "Down, _down, dooooown…"_

"Look, look!" Xu pointed to a small café that was still open. She grinned, knowing that its owners probably would make a killing during the Sorceress Festival with all the drunks coming in and out for coffee and pastries. "You hang out right here - the hotel is just up the block, OK? I'm going to get us some coffee."

She looked both ways and quickly crossed the street, leaving Quistis to stand against the wall of a boutique that was closed until the morning. Sadly, this wall didn't conjure up the same passionate feeling that surged through her blood as she kissed Zell earlier.

"Wait…I kissed _Zell?" _Quistis wondered out loud. "Oh, fuck…" What was the alcohol doing to her senses? She made a mental note to kill Xu in the morning, although much like her reminder to eliminate Selphie's troubadour from earlier, it was to go entirely unchecked.

"Instructor? What a sight for sore eyes!"

Through bleary blue eyes, Quistis followed the sound of that familiar, husky voice. Seifer Almasy stood several feet away, his head tilted to the side. Of anyone in the former Knight's life, it was Quistis that he slowly grew a special fondness for - although he would never admit it. He recognized several traits in her, but only because he had them in himself. Now as she stood in front of him, probably too drunk to even know who he was, Seifer had a sudden and _strange _urge to protect her.

Of course, that urge could have been so strong due to the fact that he was also quite under the influence himself. The only way that Seifer was to evade the hateful glares and snickering of the crowds was to drown his senses. Unfortunately, the world hadn't quite forgotten the Sorceress's Knight.

"What in Hyne's name do you want, Almasy?"

_Shit. She does recognize me…Trepe is sharp. _"Nothing in particular. I was just wandering around, you know… This is a week-long party to celebrate my failure, and I'm just a glutton for punishment."

"Seifer…" She tried to stand, but quickly discovered that the least compatible thing to go with alcohol consumption was a broken shoe. The bizarre imbalance between having only one shoe on would have sent Quistis falling flat on her face, if Seifer hadn't caught her within inches of impact.

"Who the hell let you get so fucking _drunk, _Instructor?" Seifer's green eyes smirked at her, thoroughly entertained at the lovely blonde in his arms. "Sure, it's an interesting change of pace, but you're…above the influence."

"…fuck you, Almasy." Quistis struggled against his grip, but to no avail. The tall, sturdy blonde stood and took her with him, making sure that she wouldn't fall again. "Why did you even bother to come here anyway? You _know _these people hate you."

The word 'hate' sounded especially acidic coming from Quistis's mouth, and Seifer recoiled from the term. "It's not…it's not that simple to explain."

"Yes, it is!" Seifer finally let Quistis go. The leggy blonde decided to take off her remaining shoe and held onto both of them as she stomped back to the Galbadia Hotel. Not surprisingly, Seifer was right on her heels. "I just don't want to hear it right now, all right?"

"OK - Quisty, I'm not gonna be mad right now. I'm drunk, and you're…_really drunk…_but come on! You know the reason why I'm here!" He was surprised when she suddenly turned to face him. Her expression had changed from confused to pitiful to fuming in the last several minutes, and Seifer couldn't help but internally laugh - she was just like anyone else after a couple drinks. "You know why."

"Enlighten me."

"Maybe…" Seifer began, but both the alcohol and his reticence to show his emotions made it excessively difficult. "Maybe I go to the place where everyone hates me, just to find the one person that _doesn't. _The only friend that I have right now, even four years after I…fucked up."

The cool air once again whipped by, dancing with Quistis's blonde strands as she stared at the young man before her. Whereas he would normally meet her gaze with his proud, emerald eyes, Seifer was now staring at the ground, hands in his pockets. "What do you need?"

He simply shrugged. "Nothin' much. Just…wanted to see you."

"Seifer, I…" As the breeze continued to blow, Quistis reached out to him with the hand that wasn't holding her shoes. "We could talk, if you'd like. Want to talk?"

"…sure." After a moment of contemplation, Seifer tentatively reached out and took Quistis's hand in his own. It felt foreign to him - he couldn't remember the last time he held a woman's hand. Most women didn't want to hold the hand of the man that may have killed their family or friends.

"Xu and I are staying at the Galbadia," She said quietly. "Room…520?"

They began to walk in the direction of the hotel, and Seifer suddenly laughed. "520?"

"Yeah, what's so funny about that?" She asked, her temper piqued.

"Oh, Instructor. You must have known I was coming…520 is _my _room."

* * *

After searching up and down the street for an hour, Xu finally relented in her search for Quistis and returned to their hotel room. She trudged down the hallway and swung the door open, not caring whether or not it slammed roughly against the wall.

"Fucking Quisty…you _better _be alive in the morning, or I'm going to be so pissed off."

Xu didn't think much of it - nor did she realize at the time - but the number that was plastered outside of the door she previously slammed was not 520. No, it wasn't 520 at all.

…she really should have told Zell 320 instead.


	3. The Plot Thickens

"**Splendor"**

**By: **_**fluffy pantoufle**_

**A/N: **Before I start, I just want to give bountiful thanks to my glorious reviewers! I hope that everyone has as much fun reading this as I do writing it! ^_^ There's nothing more entertaining than putting this trio in precarious positions…

**Disclaimer: **I figure I may as well say that not only do FF8 the film _Splendor _belong to people that are NOT me, but I also do not profit from the film _The Hangover. _May as well say it, in case I decide to throw some elements in…which I know I will…

* * *

Now, one would automatically assume that whatever was read in the previous chapter _must _be true. Alcohol or not, Quistis Trepe was a capable young woman and could certainly recall a full night of debauchery…or could she? Unfortunately, unlike Guardian Forces, booze was a force that did not bother to differentiate between minds and ravaged them all quite equally. After a night like the one previous, there was not a reliable narrator to be found for miles.

What did Xu _mean _when she said they got kicked out of a bar? When in Hyne's name did they dance on fucking TABLES? And at what time did they take those tall, blue double shots? It certainly wasn't at Cactuar Bar. Between the drinks and the fact that all SeeDs had faulty memories anyway due to junctioning, they could only piece together their night like a shoddy patchwork quilt.

Quistis was still sitting on the couch, her hand shielding her sensitive eyes from the afternoon sun peeking in through tacky, crushed velvet drapes. Zell sat to her right, glowering at Seifer. The tallest blonde leaned against the wall nearest to the bathroom door, chuckling to himself at regular intervals. He had tried to smear the lipstick off of his body but only succeeded in creating a slight sunburn-ish effect across his torso - they all underestimated the meaning of the phrase, "outlast lip color." Only a good soaping and rinsing would remove Quistis's scandalous lip-prints from their bodies.

"Are you all right, Quisty?" Zell asked with a trace of fear in his voice. The instructor could be downright terrifying if caught in a bad mood. At the moment, neither Zell nor Seifer knew if she would be more inclined to talk to them or shoot Blue Magic in their respective directions. Either way, the martial artist had his feet firmly planted to the floor, ready to bolt for the door if Quistis got that 'I'ma-cast-magic-and-kill-your-sorry-ass' look in her fierce blue eyes.

She nodded slowly. "Yes, I'm fine. Just…overwhelmed."

"Do you want a potion or something?" He offered.

Seifer shook his head, a playful smirk on his lips. "Instructor's a big girl. She can handle her hangover just like she handles everything else. A couple hours of brooding and whipping shit and she'll be just fine."

"Shut your damned mouth, Seifer…" Quistis lifted her head so that her gaze was focused solely on him. Zell stared at the ex-Knight, slack-jawed at his boorish manner. "Unless _you _want to be the shit that I happen to whip today."

"Who's to say that that would be a bad thing?" He retorted. "You act as if it'd be a punishment."

An infuriated sigh was all that came out of her. Arguing with Seifer was like talking to Squall - in both instances, you'd be better off with a large, sturdy wall as an opponent. She decided to finish before throwing something at Seifer's head - notably, the liquor bottle that was currently sitting in Zell's lap. The thought of the bottle smashing so delightfully against Seifer's unprotected face brought a smile to her lips before Quistis stood, dusting off her twisted miniskirt.

He raised an eyebrow. "What's so funny now?"

"Oh…" She grabbed her top off of the floor, this time succeeding in slipping it over her arms and onto her body. "Just thinking about what Xu would do if she were here."

Seifer's eyes narrowed. "You wouldn't."

An audible gulp could be heard coming from Zell's direction. If Quistis was terrifying, Xu was just…well, no word had yet been invented to describe the wrath of Xu. The martial artist had once heard a rumor about the high-ranking SeeD cadet, but he knew it couldn't have been true…

_No way did Xu make a T-Rexaur cry just by looking at it. Do they even have fucking tear ducts? You wouldn't live long enough to find out! Or would you… Dang, she's a tough broad. _

"Try me." The lovely blonde adjusted her skirt and fixed her hair so that it was tied back into a loose ponytail, strands framing her pleased expression. "You're a friend now Almasy, but that doesn't change how immensely _cathartic _it would be to see Xu whoop your ass from here to Trabia."

"I…" He couldn't formulate a sentence, especially since Quistis didn't seem to want to hang around and listen to what he had to say. She was heading for the door before the words even left her mouth. "Where the hell are you going?"

"To my room." She opened the door and turned to face him. "Xu and Selphie have been looking for me all day. I'd like to let them know that I'm in one piece."

"Am I - I mean, are me and Chicken-Wuss here gonna see you again, or what?"

Quistis shrugged. "Depends." Out of the corner of her eye she saw Zell fuming at the mentioning of his nickname. "Zell might."

"Huh?!" He had been blown completely off guard and felt the familiar crimson burn in his cheeks. "Ya…ya mean it, Quisty?"

"…depends," She repeated, before winking and exiting the room.

"Wow…" Zell raked both hands through his unruly blonde hair. He had a look of sheer wonder on his face.

Seifer rolled his eyes. "C'mon, Chicken-Wuss. If you blow right here and now, I'm going to be forced to heckle you until the end of time."

"Isn't that what you were planning to do _anyway?" _Zell glared at him, angry that he was broken from his reverie about the leggy instructor.

"Well…yeah, I guess so. Never mind, then."

"Fucking asshole…" The smaller blonde muttered under his breath, scanning the room for his clothes. A black tee shirt and pair of jeans laid in a ball on the floor next to the bathroom, which he deduced to be his. "Quisty was right - it _was _four years ago, Almasy. Get the fuck over yourself."

"Oh, it isn't that I haven't gotten over myself, Dincht," Seifer began, following Zell as he walked over to his pile of clothes and proceeded to put them on. "But pissing you off is never gonna get old. Brings back memories of the good old days, don't you agree? Back when you were the hero, and I was the bad guy…" He let out a hearty laugh, his eyes boring into the back of Zell's head, trying to will him to turn around. "Some saviors and villains we turned out to be, eh? Drunk and forgotten about in a hotel room… No one's worried about you - are they, Chicken-Wuss?"

In a momentary flash of anger, Zell whirled around and immediately shoved whatever part of Seifer he could strike first. There was a _whoosh _sound as Zell's hands made contact with the gunbladist's chest, knocking him squarely onto his backside. Seifer's eyes widened, taken aback at the martial artist's astonishing speed and power - he _never _struck him outside of battle, not even when they were little kids at the orphanage. He wasn't used to looking up at him from the floor; suddenly, Zell seemed much bigger than normal.

"Don't you dare try to bring me down with you, Seifer," Zell growled. "I've been just fine for the past four years, but I _know _that you can't say the same thing. Fuckin' can't even show your face at Garden, can ya?"

Seifer didn't say a word.

"You really shouldn't be such a bastard, Almasy," the martial artist continued, pulling on his tee shirt. "It's not like we don't know that you're here. Everyone's seen you, and you know just like I do that Quisty's the only one willing to give you a second look." He scoffed, and for a moment felt incredible pleasure in being so callous towards the fallen knight. After all these years, he had him right where he wanted him. "You can't afford to be a prick, unless you actually _like _not having friends. Speaking of that…where's Fujin and Raijin when ya need 'em?"

Zell's last comment struck Seifer almost as hard as the physical blow. He _had _been alone for quite awhile. Fujin and Raijin wanted to return to Garden and complete their education - neither one was as deeply shamed as Seifer Almasy, and living without the help of their beloved military academy was proving to be fruitless. When he refused, a bitter argument ensued, ending in the deterioration of the once-Disciplinary Committee of Balamb Garden.

While lost in his own thoughts, Seifer didn't realize that Zell was fully dressed and heading for the door. "Look, Dincht, I -"

"Seifer…" Zell tried to find something nasty to say, but realized that the well of bitterness within him had already run dry; he wasn't very good at being mean. "Just forget it. I'm tired of getting pissed at you. I don't know what happened last night, but… I know you need friends. And you'll figure it out, too. I don't know when, but Hyne…you will."

And with that, Zell left. Seifer remained sitting on the floor for awhile, mulling over his thoughts. The silence of the room suddenly felt eerie and not nearly as warm as it did twenty minutes ago.

_Dincht is right, I guess… But I'll be damned if I ever need to rely on the likes of fucking Chicken-Wuss and company. Spare me._

* * *

Quistis found herself trying to stifle laughter all the way back to her original hotel room. Of course, everyone had heard of a walk of shame…but the instructor didn't know that a _marathon _of shame could ever be remotely possible. Each turn of the corner revealed yet another disoriented hussy, clothes on backwards and hair sticking out in every which direction. One girl in particular must have decided that the walk wasn't necessary, because she was curled up on the floor in the corridor, high heels kicked off. In her unconscious state she sucked her thumb contentedly, and Quistis wondered whether or not the girl was even old enough to drink. Not only that, but the instructor _thought _that she recognized one or two hung-over faces in the halls….

_Is that the girl from my ten o' clock class? I _swear _she sits in the front row…next to the window… _And _next to that boy that was about to throw up in the staircase…_

Deciding not to worry about it, Quistis clung to her own pair of broken heels and hurried for her room. She slowly realized she must have looked like a participant in the marathon she was getting such a huge kick out of. When she found room 320, Quistis pounded on the door until it flung open, Xu standing on the other side.

"You _crazy _bitch!" The brunette wore a tiny, kimono-style bathrobe over her clothes and had a cocktail in her hand - was it time to drink AGAIN? With her free hand, she dragged the blonde into their room and shut the door. "I can't even believe that you're alive right now. This astounds me to no end." She sauntered over to the fridge. "What's your poison, Quist?"

Quistis threw her hands up in defeat. "No, no… I don't want a drink right now."

"Oh, come on! I still have some Booze of the Un-"

"_Especially _not that!"

Xu groaned whilst taking a sip of her own alcoholic beverage. "You can be such a lame-ass sometimes, Quistis Trepe. The one week of the year that we're within our rights to go Grat-shit crazy and here you are, plagued by morals!"

"Someone needs to have them," Quistis replied, bee lining for the nearest chair and plopping down. "Where's Selphie?"

As if on cue - she was so _good _at making an entrance - the bedroom door flung open and Selphie stumbled out. Her quirky hairstyle was completely mussed, and she had a look of blissful afterglow sketched on her face. Both Quistis and Xu gaped at her attire, which consisted of Irvine's light brown coat and not much else. Luckily, Selphie had enough wits about her to button up the coat so as not to indecently expose herself to the world. When her glossy green eyes focused on her female companions, a grin slowly spread across her face until all her teeth were exposed and gleaming.

"This is _so _much better than Garden Festival," she whispered, giggling incessantly.

In response, Xu drained her glass and slammed it on top of the dresser. Quistis merely blinked.

"Come on, Q. We're getting coffee." Xu nodded to Selphie before grabbing her best friend by the arm. "Let them bask in post-coitus…whatever. We'll caffeinate ourselves silly."

Suddenly, Irvine entered the fray, cowboy hat conveniently covering up the bits of himself that were reserved for Selphie's eyes only. "Why, hello ladies!" He exclaimed with an exaggerated wink. "Ya'll here to participate, or what?"

Quistis opened her mouth to reply but was quickly yanked by Xu into the hallway. As they ran, the sounds of Selphie's delighted squeals echoed through the third floor of the Galbadia Hotel.

"Hubba hubba, zing zing - Irvy, you've got _everything!" _

* * *

Fifteen minutes and several crowds later, Quistis and Xu were seated in the coffee shop from the night before, two steaming cups on the table. Soft, ambient music wafted through the air and contrasted with the condition of the small café's customers. The two female SeeDs weren't the only ones attempting to cure their alcohol-induced woes with java. Xu couldn't help but laugh at one particularly vacant-looking man, who would place his head on the table - facedown - for minutes at a time.

"I bet twenty gil that he's so fucked up right now he'd speak Chocobo," she whispered to Quistis. "Seriously. Look." Just as they did, the man began to open and close his mouth, giving him the most curious expression of a fish out of water. The instructor took a long sip of her coffee and tried to ignore the heat in an effort to keep herself from falling off the chair in hysterics. Xu clamped her own hand over her mouth and stared at the floor tiles.

"Ah! OK…" Xu said after finally coming to her senses, "You need to tell me how in Hyne's name you ended up in a completely different hotel room last night, because I almost _died _trying to find your drunk ass."

"I don't even think I could tell you if I tried," Quistis said with a shrug. "There's a good portion of the night that I don't remember."

"Shit! Me too," The brunette said, taking a sip of her brew. "I vaguely recall getting kicked out that one bar for dancing on the tables, but I don't know what the hell prompted us to even _do _such a thing…" Her expression was one of mock shame until she laughed and gave a thumbs up. "Definitely worth it, though!"

Quistis contemplated how she was going to tell Xu that she woke up in the same room as both Zell _and _Seifer. She knew that Xu would find the idea of the instructor and the martial artist sleeping together to be absolutely hilarious - they didn't interact much, but Quistis knew that Xu liked having Zell around, even if just for old-fashioned comic relief. He lightened up a situation, most of the time not realizing his jovial effect on people.

Seifer, on the other hand…well, maybe Quistis would just omit his contribution to the story entirely. It'd be better off leaving Xu in the dark than putting her on a warpath.

As if Hyne himself intervened, however…an undoubtedly exotic-looking man entered the café, leaving Quistis at a complete and utter loss for words. He wore a crisp, white collared shirt that almost seemed to glow next to his dark skin. A pair of straight legged jeans and worn-in sneakers completed his simplistic attire, going against the rugged, larger-than-life image that Quistis previously had of this particular person.

Kiros Seagill.

Xu turned to glance over her shoulder at the newest customer, confused by Quistis's suddenly vacant expression. "I know that man. He's one of the higher-ups in Esthar - Seagill, right?"

"Exactly," Quistis replied, perhaps a little bit too dreamily for Xu's taste. She was never particularly attracted to the man, but found herself in awe of his tall, lithe figure and the way in which he so freely expressed himself. He was an adviser to President Loire, and the instructor could think of few who were better suited for the job.

Before the brunette could tell Quistis to knock it off, Kiros recognized the blonde and headed towards their table. He had a good-natured expression on his face and had his hands clasped behind his back; Kiros looked very stately indeed. "Miss Trepe, it's a pleasure to see you."

"Likewise, Mr. Seagill," She replied while softly kicking Xu underneath the table. Quickly, the SeeD glanced up and nodded to the older man before returning her attention to the mug of coffee. "I'm surprised to see you here, if you don't mind me saying so."

Kiros saw an unoccupied chair at the table next to theirs and did not hesitate to claim it for his own. "Well, you're perfectly fine in assuming that this isn't my scene, so to speak. I'm just here because Laguna was curious as to what goes on at the Sorceress Festival and couldn't attend himself…" He looked around the room, which was filled with drunks and hooligans. "I was too, I must admit. Although between the cross-dressing parade I saw this morning, and the man I ran into that was missing one of his eyebrows… It's not quite as _sophisticated _as I thought it'd be."

Xu let out a resounding "HAH!" before yet again restraining laughter via hand over mouth. "Excuse me," she muttered before getting up and heading outside, her chair loudly scraping against the linoleum floor. Quistis watched her through the front window of the café as she fumbled through the pockets of her jeans, finding a pack of cigarettes and a yellow lighter.

"…is your friend all right, Miss Trepe?"

"Oh!" Quistis turned her attention to Kiros, who had a concerned look about him. "She's fine. We just had…an interesting evening, to say the least. We're both a little distracted today - I apologize, Mr. Sea-"

"Kiros, please," He cut her off with a small smile. "I hear my last name far too often for my liking."

"Very well," The blonde returned his smile, absently toying with the handle of her coffee mug. She almost felt silly, talking to the adviser of a president while dressed like a streetwalker. However, he didn't seem to mind. "Quistis."

"Quistis," He repeated, trying it on for size. She noticed that the rogue strands of hair that he normally had hanging were all cut, leaving behind a clean, short hairstyle. "It's…fitting."

Her cheeks began to burn, and she found that Kiros had successfully robbed her of speech. Curiously enough, the effect must have been mutual, for the adviser chuckled to himself and briefly diverted his attention to the menu hanging up behind the counter. However, a flourish of color and shouting outside snapped Quistis out of her sheepish state of mind.

"What the hell?" The blonde immediately jumped to her feet. Three tall individuals surrounded Xu, each more flamboyant and bizarre than the next. They reminded Quistis of tropical Chocobos. She ran to the door and exited the café, her hands balled into fists. "Xu! What's going on?!"

Xu and the three characters turned to face Quistis. She was prepared to fight, although hand-to-hand combat would be…interesting, to say the least. If she didn't know better, Quistis would have sworn that they were _men, _dressed in brightly colored dresses, feathered boas, and the most spectacular makeup she had ever seen. There was a small part of her that was envious - she'd never look that good with that much mascara and a neon green corset.

Were they…drag queens?

"Quisty!" Xu exclaimed, "These are our friends from last night!"

"…what?" The instructor blinked. She had never seen a drag queen in person before, nor had she ever befriended one - or _three._

The drag queen closest to Quistis gave a dainty wave, which looked strange no matter how you sliced it. For a man that looked to be about six-five, he wore his skintight orange gown fantastically well; it was a mystery as to how he achieved that spectacular hourglass figure. The dress was coordinated with a yellow wig and a purple boa.

"How are you feeling, sweet cheeks?" She purred. "You were quite the dancing machine last night!"

Quistis glanced at Xu, who was smiling so broadly it looked as if her face was going to shatter. "I, uh…" She ran a hand over the top of her head, confused. "You'll have to forgive me…ma'am. I can't really remember much from last night. Who exactly _are _you?"

All three drag queens laughed. "Oh, you delicious little dear!" The next cried, who was even more statuesque than the first. She was the one with the green corset. Her skirt was shorter as well, revealing a pair of silvery, sky-high heels that sparkled with her every movement. "We're here for the Sorceress Parade! Those crazy bitches always did look _fierce, _didn't they?!"

Xu stepped forward, placing an arm around both queens. "Quistis, these are my good friends - Lady Zsa Zsa and Tequila Mockingbird."

The first queen - Lady Zsa Zsa, apparently - extended her extravagantly manicured hand, which Quistis shook. "Zsa Zsa Lahore, sweet cheeks!" She then pointed to their third companion - quiet and somewhat stockier, but she was wearing a magnificent, one shouldered crimson gown. Not only that, but she had a matching feather headdress and sparkling diamond jewels. "That stunning little thing is Miss Sunfire. She's such a vixen!"

"It's a pleasure to meet you all…" Quistis said, completely dumbfounded. "Xu? What's going on?"

Tequila Mockingbird stepped forward, her skirt swishing as she did so. Quistis could have sworn that each of her movements released a cloud of glitter into the air. "Baby doll, you don't remember being at Edge last night? You looked absolutely _ferosh _up on those tables!"

"Until we all got thrown out, that is!" Zsa Zsa cried. Everyone erupted in laughter - all except for Quistis, who simply cocked her head to the side and absorbed the dizzying array of color. "Say, you lovely little things ever find that tasty hunk of man you were with last night?"

"Hunk of man?" Quistis and Xu both inquired at the same time. They exchanged nervous glances at each other - who hadn't they taken account of?

"He was a shy thing," Tequila said, nudging Xu. "All up in your situation, girl!"

"My situation?" Xu's face crunched up into a confused expression, trying to figure out who in Hyne's name Tequila was making reference to. It didn't take too long to figure out, however, and the brunette let out a shriek. "FUCK! NIDA!"

"Did we _lose _Nida?!" Quistis threw her arms in the air. "When was he with us?"

"Is everything all right out here?"

Xu, Quistis, Zsa Zsa Lahore, Tequila Mockingbird, and Miss Sunfire all turned to see an extremely perplexed Kiros Seagill standing behind them, hands in his pockets. He stood almost as tall as Tequila, who seductively licked her lips in his direction. Quistis rolled her eyes and approached the baffled adviser. "Everything's fine, but… I think that one of our friends from Garden is missing. His name is Nida Casales and I didn't even realize he was _with _us last night."

Kiros glanced from Quistis, to the drag queens, to Xu, and back to Quistis again. "Well…don't panic. That's the most important thing, I suppose. Perhaps you should just try to retrace your steps and ask around? Someone must have seen him, and if he's a SeeD…"

"Yeah, I know. He _should _be all right, but -"

The shrill ringing of Xu's cell phone pierced the air. Clumsily, the brunette fished the device from her pocket, pressed the 'send' button, and held it to her ear. Quistis watched as Xu's face went from confused to horrified. Whoever was on the other end of the line didn't say much, and Xu said nothing in response. The call only lasted about ten seconds before Xu slowly lowered the phone from her ear.

"Xu?" Quistis asked. When her friend didn't respond, she walked over to her and placed both hands on her shoulders. "Is everything all right? Who was that?"

"Selphie."

"Well? What did she want?"

"She said that she found something that I should probably take a look at," Xu said in a voice that was barely above a whisper. "It's a piece of paper she found on the floor of the bathroom."

Quistis, Kiros, and the drag queens all stared at her. What the hell was she talking about? How could a piece of paper be so terrible?

"Apparently…it's a marriage certificate. I don't know who the _fuck _thought this would be funny, but Selphie said that as of last night…I'm Mrs. Nida Casales."

* * *

A/N: OK, so this has got to be the most fun I've ever had writing a chapter. Ever. ^__^ I didn't mean to offend by adding my lovely ladies into the mix - Zsa Zsa, Tequila, and Sunfire (who I JUST realized is named after a car, haha!)! I wouldn't have put drag queens in if I didn't absolutely **LOVE THEM** - my God, I will never look as good as some drag queens do in dresses. I worked out for three hours a day, six days a week while in college and I _never _looked that fierce.

Not only that, but now our love triangle has expanded into a love...rhombus? Hah! I know that the choice of Kiros - of all characters - might be odd, but I always liked him. Figured I'd give him a shot. Plus, I couldn't ever see Quistis really digging Laguna. Or Ward. That's not her style. So I figured I'd at least try Kiros on for size and see what everyone thinks - he doesn't get enough love in the fandom.

Anywhoo, the plot thickens! ^_^ Oh, and completely shameless self-plug: _Life Long Forgotten. _Read it. Kbye.


	4. Of Angry Birds and Small Spaces

"Splendor"

By: _fluffy pantoufle_

_

* * *

  
_

Booze and Guardian Forces had similar effects on the mind - any SeeD could tell you that. It was common knowledge, especially amongst Garden cadets that had been around the proverbial block more than once. Years of combat training, covert operations, and murder for hire would turn nearly anyone into a budding alcoholic. In the case of Quistis Trepe, a couple glasses of wine every now and then aided in drowning out the incessant chatter that came with having Carbuncle nestled in the recesses of her brain. The instructor and the tiny mythical creature were like oil and water; she much preferred Shiva, but for some reason or another the Ice Queen enjoyed curling up in the nooks and crannies of Squall Leonhart's mind.

_Of course. Shiva can best understand the thoughts of Garden's resident Ice Prince. _

Carbuncle meant well, of course. Oil and water they may have been, but he was very much in tune with Quistis's emotions and always tried to cheer her up. At the very least, it wasn't like having Siren invade your head. That particular Guardian Force always got along best with Rinoa Heartilly, and perhaps it wasn't too difficult to figure out why. Siren was a downright bitch - and for all her connections with ancient mythology, she had a _terrible _singing voice. Quistis once had to listen to Sacred and Minotaur complain about her whilst on a mission. Sacred was a crybaby, but when Siren called him a "spineless, blubbering cow" he was nearly in hysterics.

Regardless of this, Quistis still wished that she had junctioned Siren instead of Carbuncle. The mythological woman would have made sure to store the memories of the night previous that Quistis cast to the wind when she downed her fifth or sixth shot of liquor. For some reason or another, alcohol had no effect on Siren - she simply laughed and heckled when the brains in which she occupied became laden with firewater. No one could figure out why.

Carbuncle, on the other hand…

"_Quisty, I don't feel so good! Why did you have to go out last night, huh? Why? My stomach feels all sorts of icky - do you feel it too? This is awful!" _

The instructor rolled her eyes as they walked down the street. She was in mixed company and didn't want to be caught talking out loud to her Guardian Force - in public, no less. Not only was Xu accompanying her, but Kiros Seagill and the drag queen trio were also in tow. Everyone was quite curious as to whether or not this fabled marriage certificate held any type of merit.

Xu noticed the less-than-thrilled expression on her best friend's face and gave her a slight nudge. "Everything all right, Q?" When the blonde didn't respond, her brunette counterpart sighed loudly. "Is it that whiny little bastard in your head? I don't even know why you brought him along!"

"I wanted to have _some _magic junctioned, Xu! Just in case…"

"Yeah, but Carbuncle? I feel like drinking with him junctioned is like, I don't know… Giving a toddler a bucket of whiskey." Xu suddenly chuckled. "Personally, if I'm gonna go out and get sloshed, I like to have Doomtrain with me."

Quistis raised an eyebrow. "Doomtrain?"

"Yeah, that's one GF that _loves _when you're drunk. He's entertaining as all hell. I'm surprised to acquire him you didn't have to collect six empty vodka bottles along with all that other shit."

A laugh from behind the two women prompted Quistis to glance over her shoulder. Kiros was strolling along, hands in his pockets - the epitome of nonchalant. He listened to the SeeDs as they rambled, an aimless smile on his face. From what she gathered out of visits to the 'dream world,' Quistis always thought that the adviser was more outspoken. Age and authority must have truly mellowed him out. It wasn't entirely unwelcome; as a matter of fact, after spending the earlier part of the day with Seifer and Zell, it was rather refreshing.

"_Aw, man! Quisty, I think I absorbed your hangover. I feel like I'm gonna throw up chunks in here!" _

"Don't you fucking dare, you ridiculous carnival rat!" She reacted, not realizing that she hadn't internalized her irritation.

The drag queens immediately fell silent. Zsa Zsa Lahore was glad for the interruption - Tequila Mockingbird was lecturing her companions on glamour. That bitch was out of her tacky little mind! _Obviously_, what Tequila thought was fierce wouldn't even make a Winhill housewife blush.

"Uh…" Quistis sputtered. "It was my Guardian Force? You know, the things…in our heads…"

Zsa Zsa just laughed. "Sweet cheeks, I just thought you were talking about Tequila! This nasty whore is trying to tell me how to wear my eye shadow! Ain't _no one _tellin' Lady Zsa Zsa how to put on her war paint!"

"Preach on, sister!" Xu exclaimed, pumping her fists in the air in mock-enthusiasm before grabbing Quistis by the bicep. "Look, we need to hurry along with this nutty little parade we've acquired," She whispered. "If Selphie was right, and I'm a married woman… Hyne, I don't even know what I'd do."

"Please don't destroy Deling City," Quistis said immediately, seeing that familiar fire behind Xu's hazel eyes. "General Caraway would be _so _displeased."

"Whatever," Xu rolled her eyes. "We're about fifteen steps away from the godforsaken place. Let's just get in and check it out, OK?"

The instructor heard Carbuncle's whining reverberate through her brain, but she tried valiantly to quarantine his presence to the furthest corners of her consciousness. With a curt nod Quistis picked up the pace, Xu only one step behind…and Kiros several steps behind her…and the drag queens faithfully following, bickering loudly.

"You are one crazy-ass hussy, Zsa Zsa!"

"Bitch, please! One more word out of you, and I will tear your beady little eyes out!"

* * *

When the contingent arrived at room 320, they were quite surprised to find the door slightly ajar. Xu wasted no time in flinging said door open, and a loud _SLAM _likely startled anyone who happened to be on the third floor. As they entered, Selphie stumbled out of the bedroom, clearly in the same state of post-coital bliss that left her seeing stars only an hour or two earlier. It was at that moment that both Quistis and Xu gave serious thought as to what _exactly _Irvine Kinneas was packing in those brown pants of his…

Instead of the cowboy's jacket, this time Selphie was loosely wrapped in a bed sheet that threatened to expose her bountiful assets. She was grinning ear to ear, and when her eyes laid upon the three colorful queens, her smile nearly split her face in two. "I LOVE your outfits!" She cried. However, in her zeal, she forgot about the flimsy sheet covering her body and let enough peek out to make Kiros turn his head.

"Selphie!" Quistis came to the aid of her friend, grabbing the sheet and covering her body. "Come to your senses!"

The perky little brunette just giggled. "Hah! You said _come." _

"Well, obviously I said…" The blonde's lips suddenly turned downward. "Oh, Selphie! That's just foul!"

"Well, whaddya think we've been _doing _all afternoon, Quisty?" Selphie's speech was just a wee bit slurred, and Quistis suspected that in between all that 'coming' there was an excessive amount of 'drinking.'

Xu took this particular moment to step in. She grabbed the shorter brunette by the shoulders and shook her several times in order to clean the drunken cobwebs from her mind. "Selphie Tilmitt, you busty, blitzed, babbling bubblehead… Where the _fuck _is that marriage certificate?"

Irvine's voice could be heard from the bedroom, loudly singing the melody to "Here Comes the Bride." Selphie clasped her hand over to her mouth to keep from giggling until she saw that Xu was deathly serious. And, as everyone already knew at this point, the words 'Xu' and 'deathly' should never be placed in the same sentence, for if they were, someone was getting the shit kicked out of them. "Uh…I left it on the counter in the bathroom for you, Xu! It looks legit, but…"

"But what?"

"I just can't remember when the heck you married Nida! I mean, we had to have been with you the whole night, unless me and Irvy…" Selphie trailed off and her eyes suddenly glazed over again in erotic delight. "I'll be right back."

And with that, Selphie Tilmitt dashed back into the bedroom like some sort of oversexed porn superhero. The door shut behind her, and save for Irvine's intermittent "YEE-HAWS!" nothing more could be heard from them…which was probably for the better.

"Save a Chocobo, ride a cowboy," Tequila Mockingbird quipped.

Meanwhile, Xu was already in the bathroom. The sounds of complimentary hotel soaps and shampoos could be heard striking the walls, and for a moment everyone was too scared to move. Even the queens, who didn't know Xu from Adel, had all gotten a potentially terrifying vibe from the high ranking SeeD and thought it best to stay out of her way. Quistis took a tentative step towards the bathroom door, but was sent reeling backwards - conveniently into the arms of Kiros - when her bewildered friend let out a screech.

"HOLY HELL MOOGLES!" Xu ran out of the bathroom, brandishing an obnoxiously pink and gold piece of paper. She stopped and raised an eyebrow at Quistis and Kiros, the blonde being supported by the adviser's strong arms. However, she simply filed that situation under 'big-fuckall-mess-to-untangle-later' and thrust the paper in the direction of the group. "It's real! It's _really _real! Look!"

Quistis took the slip of paper and inspected it carefully. There, in black and white, was all that they needed to know: _This certificate is to hereby proclaim the marriage of Asrai E. Xu and Nida V. Casales to be official as of 15 October, 3:42 AM… _"Wait! What the hell?!" The instructor stabbed her index finger at a point of interest near the bottom of the page. "Did you read this, Xu?"

"What?" The baffled brunette snatched the certificate back and squinted as she read the fine print. "Oh, you've gotten be shittin' me."

"What's wrong now?" Kiros inquired softly, confused by the sudden amused expression on both Xu's and Quistis's faces.

"How did _Raijin _and _Fujin_, of all people on Gaia, get the authority to perform weddings?"

Xu chuckled. "Oh, man…this just keeps getting better and better."

As if to further solidify Xu's statement, a loud _THUMP _was unexpectedly heard coming from the closet…then another…and another…

The last crash was accompanied by a perturbed, animalistic shriek. Six sets of eyes roamed the room in panic - what the _hell _was that?! Kiros, being the man of the party, took several steps towards the closet. He placed his hand gingerly on the knob and began to turn. However, he didn't even retract his hand before the doors flew open and one very pissed off Thrustaevis emerged.

"HOW DID THAT GET THERE?!" Quistis cried, falling to her knees before the bird could connect its talons with her face. She crawled to her suitcase that was opened haphazardly next to a coffee table…her whip must have been in there somewhere…

The queens screamed and ran around the room, arms flailing in the process. Even Miss Sunfire, who stayed silent thus far, was shouting and cursing - in a distinctly baritone voice. Their obnoxiously colored feathers and dense clouds of glitter filled the air as the Thrustaevis flapped its wings. In such a confined space, the creature was even more of a challenge - not only was it angry, but it was fearful of being trapped. The wind that it generated with its wings caused all sorts of bottles and knick knacks to go crashing to the ground. One of the decorative paintings that hung on the wall next to the bedroom door was knocked down, tiny shards of glass littering the floor.

While Quistis was fumbling through her bag, she was unaware that the livid bird was aiming its next wind-based attack directly at her. Over the screams and shouts of everyone, the instructor couldn't hear the sounds of magic being conjured. Just before the Aero spell was released, a muscular body came down around her, acting as a barrier to the assault. She felt nothing but a breeze blow past her cheek, and before Quistis could look over her shoulder she noticed the arms - dark and beautiful.

_Kiros…_

Out of nowhere, the sound of crashing lighting filled the room. Everyone screamed, unaware that the infamous Lady Zsa Zsa Lahore was carrying magic and has finally come to enough sense to use it. A well-aimed Thundara spell sent the Thrustaevis crashing to the ground in a heap of blue feathers. However, the strength of the electricity left all the lights in the room flickering ominously.

"Damn, girl," Xu remarked. She had been standing against the wall, broken liquor bottle in hand as her only defense. "Impressive."

"Hell yeah, sweet cheeks!" Zsa Zsa blew on the tip of her index finger, imitating a smoking gun - a fabulous one at that. "They don't call me _shocking _for nothin'."

The brunette chuckled. "Interested in signing up for SeeD? If only to wear the uniform? I'd bet any amount of gil that you'd look dynamite."

Zsa Zsa was about to wittily respond, but suddenly Kiros shouted, "XU! LOOK OUT!"

The Thrustaevis was clearly much more resilient than anyone had imagined. Before they could react it was airborne, flying directly at Xu's pretty little face.

Luckily, SeeD were expertly trained in taking care of their own. The monster bird was only inches away from tearing Xu apart when a deafening _BANG _rattled the walls of the Galbadia Hotel. She gasped as the creature crumpled at her feet, dead by gunshot. All anyone could hear were the sounds of their own heartbeats pounding in their ears, and all they could smell was the distinctive scent of gunpowder.

Irvine Kinneas stood in the doorway of the bedroom, Exeter in hand and clad only in his birthday suit and cowboy hat. If Xu's life hadn't been threatened, she would have found it to be absolutely disgusting. However, in this light, it was nothing short of epic.

"Ya'll fillies gonna settle down now?" He inquired in his characteristic Galbadian drawl. "I hate to see a bunch of pretty girls frettin' over a silly little bird."

It was obvious that Irvine thought nothing of the fact that he was stark naked, dangling out in front of Hyne and everybody. Not only that, but the cowboy must have dismissed entirely the fact that three of his 'pretty girls' were actually full-grown men that stood and gaped at him, slack-jawed. Truth be told, however…to Irvine, attention was attention. And he knew that at that moment, he was in the thick of it.

Quistis stood up, freeing herself from the confines of Kiros's arms. "Irvine…what the _fuck _was that thing doing in the closet?"

He shrugged. "Don't ask me. Last I can recall, you put it there. With Seifer and Zell, I think. Although what ya'll were doing together, let alone with a big ol' monster bird…well, that's beyond me."

Remember that fire from before? The dangerous fire that burned behind the lovely hazel eyes of one Asrai E. Xu? Now, the flame had erupted into a blazing inferno…and Xu's gaze was fixated directly on Quistis Trepe.

"Seifer _motherfucking _Almasy?"

* * *

A/N: Hello, all! I apologize for the wait between chapters - I've been on a roll all summer and suddenly lost my muse a couple weeks ago! Don't worry - I've dragged her back by her hair, and will try to get another chapter up in the next couple of days! I just got so busy with real life things that I forgot about Quistis, Xu, and the rest of the gang!

There isn't much going on here in terms of furthering the plot, but I hope that you enjoyed it anyway! Carbuncle's hungover? Raijin and Fujin perform weddings? And what the hell are Selphie and Irvine doing in that bedroom?

Hmm...some questions may never be answered. At least not in my fic. ^___^


	5. Xu's Lucky Charm

"Splendor"

By: _fluffy pantoufle_

_

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_

While all this hullabaloo went on several floors above, an extremely contemplative Zell Dincht was nursing a drink at the piano lounge of the Galbadia Hotel. Despite all the commotion with the Sorceress Festival, the martial artist was the only patron. Of course, there was a man semiconscious in one of the booths on the opposite side of the bar, but whether or not he was a _patron _anymore - as in, purchasing drinks - was debatable. Zell could have sworn he was missing an eyebrow, but that was beside the point.

He couldn't help but feel proud of himself for finally sticking up to Seifer - after twenty one years, it was long overdue. For being such a fierce physical combatant, the feisty blond was somewhat of a pushover when it came to his friendships. Seifer had always been aware of this and preyed on him mercilessly. Before he graduated Garden, even the occasional cheeky first year cadet would call him 'Chicken-Wuss' - probably Raijin not being able to keep his mouth shut, no doubt. If he had one gil for every time he heard that name over the years, well… He'd be one rich sonofabitch.

But no more. Zell would certainly see to that.

He traced his index finger along the rim of the crystal glass, staring unnecessarily hard at its amber colored contents. There was something nagging at his insides, an emotion he was surprised he was even feeling, what with all this defending himself. Zell certainly was a lot of things, but cruel wasn't one of them. He had moved back to Balamb Town after life at Garden, which wasn't a bad thing. Poor Ma Dincht was all on her own. Plus, Zell didn't mind being so close to his alma mater, especially if they needed him for anything.

Yep. Zell Dincht - reliable, charismatic, family-oriented…

That last phrase struck a chord. _Family. _It was a gray area for him, as it was for most of his other friends. As a matter of fact, when one mentioned the word 'family' around Zell, he thought of two things: Ma, and 'the gang,' as he affectionately called them.

Squall. Selphie. Irvine. Quistis. Even Rinoa, even though she wasn't an orphan.

…and then there was Seifer. He was a part of the orphanage gang, of that there could be no contention. But if they were an honest-to-Hyne family, he was definitely the black sheep. Did he even _want _to be part of the group? If he did, he would have come back to Balamb Garden on his hands and knees, but no one ever saw him doing _that_…

"You doing OK there, darlin'?" A female bartender that looked to be only several years older than the martial artist leaned over the wooden partition, trying to catch his eyes. She was young enough to be approachable, yet potentially old enough to contain cougar-like tendencies. With all the newfangled surgical tricks, who really knew how old these strange women were? "Can I buy you a drink or something?"

He raised his glass, still half-full. "I'm workin' on this one, thanks."

"It was an anticipatory suggestion." The bartender winked at Zell, but it looked more as if she had something in her eye than her being flirtatious. "The name's Amaryllis, if you need anything…"

_Definitely a cougar. Code red, code red! …I can't summon Bahamut in here, can I? Gah…_

"Amaryllis?"

A commanding baritone voice from the staircase prompted Zell to swivel on his stool. There Seifer stood, several steps from ascending, a smug look on his face. He crossed his arms across his chest as he walked down and towards his fellow blond, captivating Amaryllis with his every move. By the time he sat down at the bar, the woman looked as if she was going to go into cardiac arrest. He gazed at her with sharp green eyes, knowing full well the effect he had on her.

"Amaryllis," he repeated. "Like the flowers?"

She nodded, her mousy brown hair tossing this way and that. "Yes! And you, sweetheart?"

The gunbladist raised an eyebrow at the woman. She was not aware of his reputation, and couldn't use it to scare her off. Pity. He'd have to just be a prick, in that case. "Well…" Seifer began, "I'm not a flower kinda guy. You can ask any of my past girlfriends that. So please, do me a favor? Go _pluck _yourself."

Poor Amaryllis was not the brightest flower in the meadow, so she stared at Seifer for several moments in contemplation before it actually hit her. When it did, her lips twisted into a scowl and she stomped off to the other side of the bar to polish glasses. The fallen knight simply chuckled to himself and stretched his arms above his head, taunting her with his exquisite physique. Zell found himself gaping at Seifer as well, although for drastically different reasons than Amaryllis.

"How did you even _do _that?" The smaller blond asked incredulously.

Seifer shrugged. "It's easy, really…if you don't want to talk to a girl, just tell her to step off. You're too nice to them, Chic-" He caught himself mid-sentence as a pair aggravated azure eyes met his own. "Dincht."

"I wasn't even talking about the bartender," Zell said, taking a small sip of his drink. "How can you just be such an asshole to someone you don't even know? Me, I get - sort of - but _her_?"

"Would it help to know that I was doing it for your own benefit?" Seifer waited for a response from his companion, but when he received none he leaned in closer. "Look, anyone within a fifty foot radius can tell that you piss your pants every time a woman talks to you one-on-one. You're the world's hero and can have anyone you want, and you let this fucking cougar scare you into submission? Really? You've beat the shit out of T-Rexaurs, for Hyne's sake!"

"…is it that obvious?" The martial artist whispered. He knew he would never be the ladies' man that Irvine aspired to be, but then again, he never tried to be either. It never occurred to him that shy, vulnerable young men were prime targets for older women and divorcees. With his stunning musculature, it was shocking that they didn't chase after him with burlap sacks and stun guns.

"_So _obvious."

"Oh."

After a few moments of uninterrupted silence, the air began to feel heavy with awkwardness. Zell sipped absently at his drink, Seifer drummed his fingertips on the surface of the bar, Amaryllis began to organize the liquor bottles in alphabetical order, and the semiconscious drunk in the corner began to snore rather loudly. No one could tell whether or not it had been playing all this time, but soft, repetitive piano music began to play over a speaker. It could have been Julia Heartilly, but without a voice to accompany the melody it was rather difficult to tell.

"What are you actually doing here, Almasy?"

"I wanted to ask about your dumbass face tattoo."

Zell almost choked on his drink. "W-what?!"

"Of course not, Dincht! Don't get your thong in a bunch, eh?" Seifer's left hand disappeared, and when it reemerged it was grasping a small, silver flask. He uncapped it, took a long swig, and continued. "Look, this isn't easy for me to say. Especially to you… Not that I hate you or anything 'cause I _don't,_ actually, but…"

"What?" Zell repeated, this time much softer and ever so slightly confused. The snoring of the drunk man provided a wonderfully appropriate soundtrack to their sudden bonding moment.

"You were right. Not _exactly _right, but I can give credit where credit is due. I don't like not having friends…as a matter of fact, the only reason I came to Deling City was because I knew Fujin and Raijin were here somewhere."

"Really?" The short man tilted his head to the side.

"Yeah. They're performing marriages or some shit - I don't know which one of those numbskulls thought _that _was a good idea. But after a couple'a years they finally agreed to see me. Running into you guys was just luck, although I don't know whether that's a good or a bad thing."

"Marriages?" Zell couldn't believe his ears, nor could he imagine the couples that would allow Fujin and Raijin to lock them in holy matrimony. What the hell would that ceremony _sound _like?

"Yeah," Seifer chuckled. "All the 'amens' have been replaced with 'ya know?' or 'RAGE.'"

"They really shoulda stuck with their day jobs…"

"Fuck." The gunbladist slammed his hands on the bar, startling Amaryllis. She turned and gave him a sinister glare before returning to her bottles. "I'm lying."

Zell tilted his glass back and finished what remained of his drink; there wasn't much by this point. "What? They can't marry people?"

"No, no - the reason why I'm here… Forget it."

Seifer stood up and made his way to the staircase. There was something so Hyne-damned strange about his behavior. For the first time since Zell knew the guy, he was on the verge of opening up, of saying something that was actually quite meaningful. Hell, even knowing that Seifer didn't hate him after all these years was almost reason enough to celebrate. The sound of his heavy steps reverberated through the piano bar, but it didn't deter the martial artist from leaping off the stool to follow him.

"What the hell, Seifer?" He demanded, trying to grab at his shoulder but failing when the gunbladist simply shrugged him off. "First, you come down here an' act just a little bit normal, and now you're runnin' for the hills? Where do you have to go, huh?"

The taller blonde turned to face him, a curious expression on his face. "Just drop it, all right? The reason why I came here doesn't have a thing to do with _you."_

"But it's got to do with somebody! If it ain't Fujin and Raijin, then I have no idea who in the hell you'd risk your life to come see. The Sorceress Festival isn't exactly held to honor you, y'know!"

Seifer pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes, obviously making an effort to contain his temper. "I. Know. That. Dincht."

"Well then, who -"

"Buy a fucking _clue, _Chicken-Wuss!" Seifer bellowed, startling the drunk man in the corner from his sloshed slumber. "I really didn't want to talk about this with you! But if you're gonna lose sleep over it - which it seems like you will - the person I came here to see was -"

_Thump. Thumpthump. _

Both men felt their hearts skip a beat at the sound. It seemed to be coming from…the grand piano? Even Amaryllis, who was still quite miffed at Seifer, left her post behind the bar and ran over to the staircase. Zell curled his fingers into two tight fists, feeling his knuckles crack as he did so.

"Can you…go and check that out?" The bartender asked meekly as she shimmied behind Zell for protection. "I ain't never got into any kind of scuffle before, and I don't want to start today."

"Please," Seifer muttered, rolling his eyes. "Looks to me you got in a _scuffle _with your lipstick about two hours ago." He sauntered over to the piano, leaving Amaryllis to fume in silence. Zell followed closely behind.

"Whaddya think is in there, Seifer?" The more diminutive of the two inquired.

"Lunatic Pandora."

Zell grunted and responded with a half-hearted "tch!" When they reached the piano, the thumping sound only intensified and was now accompanied by muffled cries. The two men stared at each other, one ready to fight and the other just downright confused. What could possibly be so dangerous in there? Unless someone managed to wrangle and gag a Tonberry…

Seifer's eyes narrowed as he laid his hands atop the grand piano. "I'm gonna lift the cover. You ready?" Zell nodded, his fists raised. "Three…two…one…"

The gunbladist almost didn't even have to raise the lid, and certainly no one was truly prepared for what they were about to see. Out of the piano leapt a tiny man, his hands bound behind his back and duct tape silencing his mouth. He had a wild look in his eyes, furious and terrified. What was most interesting about the wee captive was his lack of clothing; he only wore a pair of tight, white briefs and black tube socks. The moment his feet hit the ground, the little man let out a muted, feral snarl and head butted Zell in the abdomen.

"Oh, what the - ?!" Zell collapsed on the ground, his arms wound around his stomach.

Amaryllis screamed. The man took one look at Seifer and realized that head butting him would probably be futile. Instead, he eyed the staircase and made a dash for it. Seifer wasn't letting him get away that easily, however, and ran to cut him off. He arrived at the staircase first, sneering. The little man's eyes were wide.

He darted left. Seifer went left.

He feigned to the right. Seifer stepped right, chuckling all the while. "You're trapped, you munchkin bastard."

"Duh Horherus Meet!" The little man yelled, but to no avail - whoever put that duct tape across his lips did a damned good job. Seifer just laughed, knowing that his minuscule foe recognized him.

"Yes, that's me! Live and in person, one night only…" He trailed off. Something was written across the man's chest in what appeared to be lipstick. Whosever lipstick it was, the crimson hue was familiar to him - as a matter of fact, he _still _couldn't scrub the damn stuff off of his chest from the night before. "Hold on a second." He took one, two steps and grabbed the man by his shoulders in order to keep him from moving.

XU'S LUCKY CHARM.

"What the _fuck?" _Seifer seized one end of the duct tape and roughly ripped it from the man's mouth, prompting him to cry out in pain. His cries, however, did little to mask Zell's groans of agony as he writhed on the floor next to the piano. The blond kneeled in front of him, so that they were eye to eye. "Spit it out, padre. How in Hyne's name did you end up in that piano?"

The little man snickered. "I ain't gonna tell _shit _to any Sorceress Knight! What makes ya think I'd do a stupid thing like that?"

"Because if you don't," The fallen knight began rather calmly, "I have no qualms with slicing you from stem to stern." He smiled. "I really don't have that much to lose nowadays, if you haven't noticed. Here I am threatening a midget, after all!"

"Fine, fine!" He conceded, realizing that he couldn't break free from Seifer's steel grip. "Whaddya wanna know, brudda?"

Seifer glanced over at Zell, who was finally sitting up and rubbing the back of his neck. He then turned all his attention to the shaking man. "How do you know Xu? Did she…do this to you?"

"Xu?! Is that that crazy bitch's name?" The little man's face began to turn red - he became more and more livid by the second. "She fuckin' 'napped me, brudda! Said that she was gettin' married or somethin' nutty and she needed 'something borrowed!' What the fuck?! When they say 'something borrowed,' THEY DON'T MEAN A HYNEDAMNED PERSON!"

Zell trotted over, clearly feeling much better. "What did I miss?"

The man eyed Zell suspiciously. "Who's this clown?"

"_Clown?!" _

"Xu's married?!"

All three men stared at one another, each more stunned than the next. Neither Zell nor Seifer could figure out who would be suicidal enough to have the desire to marry Xu. The martial artist liked her well enough, but she was the absolute definition of the term 'loose cannon.' Lovely and beguiling, but would castrate you in a matter of seconds and show off her prize on the mantle - in a nutshell (no pun intended), that was Asrai E. Xu.

"What is going on in this great big world…?" Zell asked, mostly to himself. He stared up at the ceiling, trying desperately to remember any shred of the night previous. Nothing came to mind, but of course, he wasn't expecting anything to.

"Look, brudda, can ya just do me a big ol' favor and help me get outta here? I spent all night in that shittin' piano, and I'm freezin' my ass off. I promise, ya return me ta where I was last night, and you'll get one hell of a reward."

Seifer raised an eyebrow. "What? Your pot of gold?"

"No, ya filthy comedian!" The little man motioned with his head to his bindings, which Zell quickly undid. When he had use of his hands again, he placed both of them on either of Seifer's cheeks. "Gil. And lots of it."

"Sure," Seifer muttered, standing up. "Let's just escort you to the end of the rainbow now, OK? If we leave now, we'll probably get there by sundown."

"Almasy, there hasn't been a cloud in the sky all day," Zell said, obviously not paying close attention to the conversation. "Good luck finding a rainbow…"

Seifer slapped his forehead with his palm. "Excuse him. Look, tell me your name and where you need to go. I'll make sure you get there tonight."

"Giacomo Gerogero, brudda. My family owns the Edge nightclub a couple blocks down."

"Gerogero, eh?" The blond recalled hearing that name before, but he couldn't quite place the context in which it came up. Surely nothing _good, _but he wasn't too worried about it. If he just happened to stumble upon massive amounts of gil within the next couple hours, he wasn't about to start questioning Giacomo now.

Zell watched as Seifer walked up the stairs, the wee man following behind. The martial artist wasn't about to be left in the piano bar now with Amaryllis and the man _sans _eyebrows, so he chased them. Unlike his taller companion, Zell remembered where he read the name Gerogero, and knew it was in their best interest to stay as far away from them as possible. He certainly wasn't in the market for a pair of cinder block shoes, nor was he a fan of scuba diving… Put those together, and Zell felt a thin layer of perspiration appear on his forehead.

"Uh, Seifer?" He inquired, trying to get the attention of the gunbladist. "Seifer, buddy?"

"What, Dincht?" Seifer was now at the top of the stairs with Giacomo, staring down at him. He had an expression on his face that probably would have scared Zell several months ago, but now he was not deterred.

"Can I, uh…talk to you for a minute?"

"Look, can it wait? Let me just take this guy back to wherever he came from, and then -"

"No, it really _can't _wait…"

There was a anxiousness that suddenly found its way into the air as Zell and Seifer stared one another down. Giacomo craned his neck to look up at the larger of the two, his lips taut and eyes narrow. Zell's faux-_faux-_hawk had lost most of its pep, drooping lamely over his forehead and obstructing his view. The little man wondered what to do if fighting broke out between them; both Seifer and Zell looked extremely lethal should they be provoked to throw punches.

Funnily enough, the mood was _so _tense that no one noticed the commotion that erupted when the elevator doors opened in the front lobby. Out of the elevator poured the strangest conglomerate of people anyone had ever seen - even during the Sorceress Festival. There was shouting and bickering and feather boas _everywhere! _Even one of the women - a slight but terrifying brunette - was waving a paper about, claiming it to be some kind of marriage certificate…

"So now all we've got to do is find Raijin and Fujin and kick their sorry asses, right?"

"Xu, it's not that easy - we can't place all the blame on them anyway…"

"Quis, do you _hear _yourself right now?! Of course we can! Those fuckers know exactly who we are! They should've known…"

Quistis and Xu stopped walking. The rest of their group slowly realized that the pair of women ceased everything and were staring at the back of a very familiar Sorceress' Knight. Zell, who was facing the elevator, took in a deep breath as he saw Xu prepare to charge Seifer, with the intention of knocking him down the stairs. Quistis tried to grab her friend by the arm and stop her, but it was too late.

"SEIFER!" Xu yelled as she ran at him, brandishing her fists. He turned to face her…and so did Giacomo. When he recognized his captor, he immediately began to run at Xu.

"YA GODDAMN CRAZY WHORE!"

It all happened in a second or two. Xu didn't realize who the little man was, nor did she remember ever imprisoning him in the grand piano of the Galbadia Hotel. She tried to stop her charge, but it was already too late. With a wild shriek, Giacomo threw himself into Xu's legs, pinning them together and knocking her to the marble floor. Quistis, Zell and Kiros quickly came to the aid of their SeeD companion, who was being pummeled by the tiny fists of Giacomo Gerogero.

The drag queens screamed.

And Seifer, who still remained standing, simply threw his head back and laughed at it all.

* * *

A/N: Here! Two relatively quick updates to make up for my lack of updating as of late! ^__^ I feel that perhaps this probably should have been compiled into one big chapter with Ch. 4, but this will have to do for now. _Goodfellas _was on TV earlier today, and I just couldn't believe Joe Pesci' s character - hence, the inspiration for Giacomo Gerogero!

Plus, it was interesting how this panned out... I had completely different ideas for Seifer and Zell in this chapter. I wanted them to bond a little bit more closely, but Seifer's character just wasn't letting me do what I wanted to do with him. Oh, well! He's very willful. Haha!

**PLEASE REVIEW!** Let me know what you think!


	6. Fuzzy Little Man Peaches

"_Splendor"_

_By: fluffy pantoufle

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**A/N: **Before I forget, a huge, resounding **THANK YOU **to everyone that's been reviewing the story thus far! Ya'll are the fuel to the proverbial, creative fire and I absolutely love trying to think up new ways to make you guys laugh! ^___^ This is probably the most fun I've ever had writing fan fiction, and I hope that it shows!

In this installment… Old Gregg? And Nida is found - although actually getting him back will require more than expected…

**Disclaimer: **Old Gregg is a character from _The Mighty Boosh. _He isn't a "scaly man-fish" in this story, but I'm using his name and personality very loosely. You'll see…

**PS: **If you aren't familiar with Old Gregg, I highly suggest you mosey on over to YouTube and check it out. Seriously, it's one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Creepy as hell, but funny.

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"_Looks like it's gonna be a two-on-one, a ménage a trois of pain!"_

"_Usually you pay double for that kind of action, Cotton."_

_-Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story_

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Night was beginning to fall as our most colorful contingent made its way down the main drag of Deling City. The beauty of the setting sun, casting purples and pinks across the sky that would make an expressionist blush, was contrasted with the resurgence of unsightly, drunken party-goers for the second evening of the Sorceress Festival. It was almost like cockroaches crawling from the woodwork beneath the cover of darkness. In several hours, the streets would once again run rampant with lewdness and debauchery, the two predominant themes of this year's revelry. Once again, the lights began to flash and the volume on scores of sound systems began to push eleven. And, once again, the Fated Children would find themselves in alcohol-induced situations far beyond their control.

Zell always remembered what Ma Dincht told him when he finally became legal to drink: there is absolutely nothing uglier than a drunken woman. At first, his teenage hormones still coursing through his body, the martial artist thought nothing of his mother's well-meaning advice. After witnessing a rather large girl with cheaply dyed red hair and far too little clothing tossing her cookies onto a sidewalk, however, Zell felt his stomach lurch in directions it had never lurched before. Interestingly enough, though, it wasn't so much the regurgitation that bothered him, but rather the fact that said girl thought it would be aesthetically pleasing to carouse the town in spandex hot shorts.

Seifer had to stop and stare at her, mouth wide with astonishment. "There's so much…_blubber." _

The shorter blonde raised an eyebrow. Sure, she was no spring chicken, but it was no excuse to stop walking and lose track of the others. "Yo, Seif! Xu's already pissed at you, there ain't no need to make her more mad."

"Seriously, though." Seifer pointed at her, disregarding the fact that it was publicly inappropriate. "Look! Her friend, too - it looks like she's got a litter of wrestling puppies underneath that dress!"

Zell took that particular moment to notice her friend and felt the bile rising in his throat. Luckily, he didn't have to say anything - Xu's voice had the potential to carry over large distances if need be.

"ALMASY! MOVE YOUR ASS!"

"…fucking killjoy," The gunbladist muttered, falling in line behind Quistis and Kiros. She hadn't said much to either him or Zell, and it was starting to get on his nerves. Who did Instructor think she was? Giving him a night of unbridled ecstasy - well, _possibly - _and then refusing to even spare him a normal conversation? It was haughty behavior, even for Quistis Trepe.

_She sure seems to have plenty of time for that fucking creep, _he thought in reference to Kiros. The second Seifer laid eyes on him, an uneasy feeling wormed its way into his guts. Perhaps it was his easygoing demeanor, or the way he seemed to make Quistis smile with a singular gesture or word. Maybe it was simply the fact that a forty-year-old was traveling amongst twenty-somethings during the most intoxicated week of the season. Whatever the case may have been, it brought Seifer's blood to a jealous boil to see the Estharian adviser inadvertently woo the frosty instructor. He wasn't sure if Kiros recognized him, but the fallen knight silently mused that current events would be _much _different had they met in a back alley rather than in the company of others.

Zell's attention was drawn elsewhere. _Wow, these girls are big… And they all kinda look like Adel… _He felt his cheeks flush crimson when Tequila Mockingbird laid her heavily shadowed eyes upon him. If the big girl from minutes before didn't startle him, flirtatious drag queens should have been enough to send him sprinting down the street. However, an odd fascination kept him from scurrying away - where were these women _from? _

"My, my, aren't you just a tasty little thing?" Tequila purred in his direction, causing Zell's heart to skip several beats. Clearly, it wasn't just cougars he had to worry about.

"Um…" The martial artist licked his lips - he didn't mean it to be seductive or anything, he just felt the cool evening air drying out his skin. Tequila Mockingbird did not understand this. "You're awful, uh…glittery."

The queen linked her arm with Zell's, creating a most interesting sight - Tequila stood at least half a foot taller than the blond. "Oh, do I glitter. You wanna know where I absolutely _sparkle, _baby?"

"Uh…" Something told Zell that he really shouldn't have been curious as to that answer - maybe it was the tightening of Tequila's grip around his arm. He felt the feathers of her boa tickle his face, and he had to resist the urge to sneeze.

"Hey!" Suddenly, the sound of Seifer's voice broke the tension. "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert! I don't really think he's interested, all right?"

Inwardly, Zell praised Hyne as he was finally able to get away from the now crestfallen queen. "Fine, baby. I didn't know we were calling dibs on the fuzzy little man-peach!"

Neither Seifer nor Zell had a response to that one. Did anybody say _awkward_?

Meanwhile, Quistis found herself quieted by thought - not to mention, the image of Xu leading Giacomo Gerogero down the street by a rope. Where exactly she located this rope was a mystery, but needless to say this served as a reminder to all those who even thought about pushing Xu's buttons. The brunette was not above public humiliation in order to make herself feel better - she didn't even let Giacomo get a pair of pants or a shirt. His hands were bound behind his back by a pair of pantyhose that Xu acquired from the woman at the front desk of the Galbadian Hotel. 'Acquire,' however, is a kind term - _demanded _would be infinitely more accurate.

"I can see what makes her an asset to SeeD," Kiros remarked, "Although I bet diplomacy isn't particularly her strong suit."

"Not at all," Quistis replied. "I don't think that's a word that you'd find in her vocabulary."

Kiros's eyes were a glimmering gold and chose that moment to leave the blonde breathless. Hyne, was he doing this on purpose? She could feel both Seifer and Zell staring at her as she gazed at the taller, exotic-looking man. Over the course of the day, and particularly after he rescued her from the Thrustaevis, Quistis felt herself being drawn to Kiros. She equated most of the feeling as gratitude, especially since she had been so foolish to forget that she _had _magic of her own junctioned. Otherwise, what was the point of bringing a Guardian Force as annoying as Carbuncle along?

Speaking of which…

"_Wow Quisty, he's a pretty one, isn't he? You don't have'ta say anything, I can sense it! Quistis and Kiros, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G…" _

She rolled her eyes. Her kingdom for some Amnesia Greens, in the hopes that she could force Carbuncle to forget how to speak.

"Q, c'mere for a minute."

Xu glanced over her shoulder and gave Giacomo's leash some slack so that she could talk to her friend in private. Quistis put some pep to her step and caught up to the brunette, whose expression was akin to a quiet simmer. "Yes?"

"What on Gaia…_happened _with you and Seifer last night? And Zell, for that matter?" The look in Xu's hazel eyes was mixed - concerned, but with a dash of aggravation.

Quistis shrugged. "I couldn't quite tell you. I woke up in Seifer's room this afternoon, and Zell was there too, but…"

"Oh, sweet Hyne!" Xu's hand slapped her own forehead in disbelief. "I can't believe this…"

"Xu! Before you jump to any conclusions, I honestly couldn't tell you what happened! We were all there, and there were bottles everywhere -"

"Did you have clothes on?"

"Well…"

"Quistis!" Xu cried. "Really?" All the blonde could do was shrug. "Oh, man…I could have two responses to this situation. First, I could give you a high five and be jealous of you for doing something that's been at the top of my list for the past two Sorceress Festivals."

"…and the second?" Quistis asked meekly. When faced with choices, the brunette usually leaned towards the more diabolical of the two.

"I could smack you with your own Hyne-damned whip! _Seifer? _Honestly? I'd rather hear that you were still eye-fucking Leon-"

"Xu, knock it off." The instructor's tone immediately turned serious at even the _suggestion _of Squall. Xu knew that it was forbidden territory and ancient history. Bringing it up was only punishable by pain of death, as far as Quistis was concerned. It wasn't as if she were still interested in the Commander - _quite _the contrary. Those memories were just so damned embarrassing, especially now seeing him under the lock and key of Rinoa.

"Sorry," The young SeeD apologized, her face tinted pink with discomfiture. "I just…it's weird, all right? I mean, I can understand rubbing up on Dincht. He's cute - in a bi-curious, jailbait kinda way, I suppose. But the Lapdog? He's not for you, Quis. You can do _so _much better than that."

Before Quistis could respond, a dramatic sigh came from behind them. "You know, Xu, I can hear every fucking word coming out of your dirty mouth."

The brunette growled, whirling around to face Seifer. However, in doing so, she yanked on the rope too hard and brought Giacomo stumbling to the pavement. A stream of obscenities came from the yowling midget as she stomped up to the gunbladist. She stood several inches shorter than the six-foot Almasy, but she more than made up for the height discrepancy in sheer intimidation. Zell took several steps back as she approached, accidentally bumping into one of the queens - he was too scared to turn around and see who.

"You are so fucking _lucky _that I haven't torn out your trachea yet, Almasy. I'm sure you're aware that most people here, had they been sober at all in the past twenty-four hours, would probably recognize and attack you. Don't make me throw you to the lions, all right? 'Cause it'd be the easiest thing in the world for me to do."

Seifer glared down at Xu, fuming. They never got along. _Ever_. Even if his life had taken a different path and he became a SeeD, they'd more than likely still be at each other's throats. Still, there was something about Xu that Seifer admired - although he would never admit it in a millennia. She stood up for what she believed in, and she sure as hell stuck up for her friends when she feared for their safety.

It was more than he could ever say for himself.

The blond chuckled inwardly, but felt the air become stifled in his lungs when he saw the pleading look on Quistis's face. Xu couldn't see it, but the instructor's glacially blue eyes were soft with exhaustion…and perhaps something else that Seifer couldn't place his finger on. It would be easy for him to egg Xu on, but just this once he backed down.

After all, it was the least he could do to repay Quistis for all those lipstick marks, and the pleasure that came along with them.

"Fine. Whatever. I'm quiet." The flame behind his emerald eyes sputtered and went out, and he took a step back from the brunette. "Can we just find Nida and get this over with?"

"…fine."

"Brudda, what're ya talkin' about?!" Giacomo finally piped up after a long period of silence. "Fuckin' slap that bitch across the Hyne-damned face!"

Seifer shot him a fiery look. "It doesn't concern you. And if you're so intent on seeing Xu slapped, do it yourself. I'm tired of doing other people's dirty work."

Giacomo opened his mouth, but Xu immediately tugged on the rope. "I'd love to see you try."

Another argument was about to erupt, but Quistis could sense the tension in the air. "Guys, look! Edge is only right up the street - can't we just drop him off and search for Nida?"

Wordlessly, Xu nodded and continued past her towards the nightclub. Giacomo muttered and followed behind, with Seifer trailing him by several feet. Quistis saw the peculiar expression on his face and walked by his side, placing a gentle hand on his bicep. Surprised at her simple act of kindness, he glanced up and met her gaze. "Yeah?"

"Thanks, Seifer. Xu's worried about Nida right now, and…she's not quite herself," The blonde whispered.

"Could've fooled me."

Quistis only smiled, remaining at his side.

What neither one of them saw or felt was the sudden surge of jealousy that came from Zell. Here he was, bringing up the rear with the drag queens, his hair and clothing covered in glitter, and Seifer was moving in on Quisty?

_Not a goddamned chance, Almasy! _

* * *

Club Edge was nothing short of lavish. The dark colored furniture and textured walls were bathed in a soothing, amber light. Small tables were scattered about the room, each decorated with a tall, red candle. The bar was located in the back of the club and was particularly eye-catching - behind the bottles of liquor on display was a beautiful aquarium, lit up and containing a variety of tropical fish. However, the most interesting feature of Edge had to be the stage and connecting catwalk, which stretched the length of the club.

Repetitive techno beats filled the establishment and invaded the contingent's ears when they arrived inside. Quistis scrunched her nose at the sound while Xu quickly untied Giacomo. The first thing the little man did when he regained full use of his arms was flip both his middle fingers at the high ranking SeeD. She threw her head back and laughed as he scurried off - as if flipping the bird bothered Xu! More often than not, she considered it a compliment.

"Hey!" Seifer shouted, prompting Giacomo to stop in his tracks. "Where the hell's my money?"

Zell rolled his eyes. Demanding gil from a man associated with the Gerogero crime family, as little as he was, could never be a good idea. The martial artist was tempted to make Seifer aware of this tidbit, but it was too late.

"Hi there."

From seemingly out of nowhere, a stocky, dark-haired man approached the group. He was middle-aged, with flecks of graying hair at his temples. A strange expression was fixated on his pallid, narrow face. If it weren't for the amber lighting, Zell would have sworn the man was wearing a green suit, a shade reminiscent of a swamp.

"Big Brudda!" Giacomo exclaimed, hiding behind the significantly taller man. "Tell 'em he ain't gonna get no money! Not from the Gerogeros, he ain't!"

"What?!" The gunbladist slashed the air with his arm. "That's not fair! Time to pay up!"

The man raised a singular, bizarre eyebrow. "What exactly brings you to Greg's place?"

_Gregory Gerogero? _Zell shook his head - they were walking headfirst into a disaster, with Seifer unwittingly leading the way. Didn't anyone else read the news? Hadn't they heard about what happened to that guy from Dollet - Curly Jefferson? "Quistis? Quisty, c'mere," the martial artist whispered, successfully getting the blonde's attention.

"What is it, Zell?" She inquired, placing her hand on his shoulder and leaning closer to him.

"Well, uh…if we don't shut Seifer up soon, I've got a feeling we're gonna be in a world of trouble."

Kiros, who had overheard their exchange, quickly nodded. "Almasy's stepping on the toes of -"

"I'm Old Greg! Who are you?" The man inquired in a monotone voice, taking several steps towards Seifer. "We coulda done this all nice and kind-like, but I'm gonna hurt you."

"Get 'em, brudda!"

"Are you out of your fucking mind?" Seifer cried, stepping back towards Zell, Quistis, and Kiros. He instinctively reached for his gunblade, but was alarmed to find that it wasn't there. Of course - no one wanted to be in the same bar as a man that carried a lethal weapon on his person whilst drinking!

"Come on, now!" Xu suddenly stepped between Seifer and Greg, arms outstretched. "Look, sir…you seem to be a nice, modern gentleman. Let's settle this over a drink, shall we?"

Kiros looked at Quistis and smiled - perhaps Xu wasn't terrible with diplomacy after all.

"Oh, you're _that _one." A sickening smile spread across Greg's face - a smile that toyed with Xu's gag reflex. "You're the one that ain't got the funk. You're rigid, like a breadstick."

"Excuse me?!" She queried, absolutely bewildered. "How exactly do you know who I am, sir?"

"You were in here last night, with my girls…" Greg pointed to the drag queens. "And your girl…" He pointed to Quistis. "And a yummy man-treat that I've been keeping hostage in my basement."

"Nida!" Xu tried to get past Greg, but neither he nor Giacomo would have it. "Hand him over!"

"Not so fast, breadstick."

Xu scowled at the older man before turning to face the drag queens. Up until this point, they served as a bright spot to the group, both figuratively and literally. Now, however, Lady Zsa Zsa and her companions looked menacing as they blocked the doorway, not allowing anyone in or out of the club. Miss Sunfire, the quietest of the group, removed a pair of feather from her headdress with particularly sharp quills, brandishing them as weapons.

The brunette placed her hands on her hips. "Really, guys? You've been fooling us all along?"

Zsa Zsa cracked her knuckles, taking care to show off each of her long and ferocious fingernails. "We ain't _guys, _sweet cheeks. At least until I'm back in my boudoir and this dress is hangin' on the rack."

"Bitch please," Tequila muttered, "You stole that dress from _me." _

"So you're a bunch of liars, then!" Zell suddenly shouted, assuming a fighting stance.

Tequila simply clucked at him. "Sorry, baby - it wouldn't have worked out between us. You ain't got that…_pizzazz_…that I look for in a man."

"I…I…" The martial artist sputtered, not exactly knowing what to say. "If I knew what pizzazz was, I'd probably be a helluva lot more pissed off!"

Quistis reached out and grabbed one of Zell's wrists in an effort to restrain him. Seifer continued to bristle with rage. Kiros kept an eye on Greg as he moved ever closer to Xu.

"I've got a proposal for you, breadstick. You've got me all angry-like with stealin' my brother and whatnot…" He eyed both Seifer and Zell as he spoke, creating a sour feeling in the stomachs of both blondes. "But you can win him back."

"_Win?" _Everyone inquired at about the same time, although Seifer and Zell's voices rose above the rest, less than enthused.

Greg nodded. "I'm Old Greg! And this is Greg's place - Edge is a _drag _club. And we've got drag shows. One tonight, actually."

Xu gave a quick shrug of her shoulders. "So? I can't help you out there."

"No, you can't. But your man-peaches here can."

Zsa Zsa, Tequila, and Sunfire laughed. Zell's eyes widened with fear as he realized what Greg was propositioning; his first instinct was to cling to Quistis, throwing her momentarily off-balance. Seifer made a loud "BLECH!" sound, shaking his head. The taller blond couldn't have sounded more averse to the idea if he tried…which, of course, made it all the more appealing to Xu.

The brunette turned and faced Seifer, a grin on her face stretching from ear to ear. "Oh, you can't run away from this one, Almasy. I'll even do your makeup myself!"

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Hah! I'm assuming you can guess what _this _leads to... Stay tuned, friends!


	7. Prepping for the Stage Debut

_Splendor_

_by: fluffy pantoufle_

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"HEY! Xu, watch where you put that thing!"

"Hyne, Seifer! It's a mascara wand, I'm only using it to - ZELL! That's not edible!"

"Are you sure? It kinda smells like chocolate…"

"No, Zell. It's definitely body butter."

"Butter! See?"

"…what did I do in a past life to deserve this?"

The basement of Club Edge - in which Seifer, Zell, Xu, Quistis, and Kiros were conveniently being retained - had transformed from a cellar to a boudoir in mere moments. Cosmetics littered the floor around both blonds and the high ranking SeeD instructor. Seifer winced as he saw Xu lean towards him, brandishing a curious black stick with what looked to be an ink-dipped pinecone on its tip. However, mascara should have been the least of his worries - Xu specifically asked for anything reflective to be removed from the area, lest Seifer and Zell should see themselves and go into shock. Kiros and Quistis were only too willing to complete the task; the basement was terribly small, and fisticuffs provoked by eye shadow application was the last thing anyone wanted to deal with.

Zell seemed to be significantly more compliant about the idea of dressing in drag than Seifer. Sure, he wasn't happy about it, but they had to save Nida - right? The blond brawler had once read in a textbook about a mercenary dressing as a woman in order to rescue a comrade. It wasn't a question of masculinity, really - as far as Zell could deduce, it was more a matter of being willing to go that extra mile for a friend.

Of course, that was what he kept telling himself as Xu applied a color to his cheeks that was described on its packaging as "Strawberry Margarita." He licked his lips, prompting the brunette to slap his shoulder lightly. She had already gotten his lipstick just _right…_

"Why is everything you're putting on my face named after some kinda food?" Zell frowned. "I'm hungry as hell! How do they expect us to do this stupid show without anything in our stomachs, anyway?"

Xu rolled her eyes. "I apologize, Zell. Moomba Girl has yet to release its hot dog flavored lip gloss. When it hits shelves, I'll be the first one to let you know."

"No shit! _Really? _You girls get everything!"

Seifer sighed dramatically, prompting both Xu and Zell to glance in his direction. The more diminutive of the blonds chuckled lightly, shutting up only when emerald eyes glared at him with a threatening fire. Unfortunately, the gunbladist didn't realize how absurd he actually looked. Xu went to town when she applied his makeup, taking great pains to make his eye shadow a kaleidoscope of varying shades of bubblegum pink and violet. She highlighted his brow bones with an iridescent white powder, and meticulously applied eyeliner so that he had a fantastic pair of cat-eyes. His cheeks and lips were both complementary shades of pink, and his lips were lined with a plum hue. All in all, the once mighty Sorceress's Knight, after he had a wig firmly set upon his head, would have looked more the part of the Sorceress. Xu was actually rather surprised at how the makeup softened his masculine grimace.

"Aw, _muffin_!" The brunette mock squealed, leaving Seifer to wince at his pet name. "Are you sure you don't want to try your costume on yet?" She motioned towards the two garment bags that were laying atop a crate next to Quistis. "I want to see what they gave you to wear!"

The blond glowered. "Why the fuck do we have to do this, anyway? We're SeeDs - well, you guys are! We can just bust this place up, grab Nida, and get the hell _out_!"

Xu shook her head. "We're grossly under prepared for this, Almasy. If we attempted to rescue Nida by force, there's a chance that someone can get hurt, and I'm not prepared to risk it. Not only that, but the Headmaster would need to be notified so he can give us authorization to do so. And honestly…" She trailed off for a moment while she finished blending Zell's blush into his foundation, which left him looking somewhat like a kabuki performer. A menacing smile curled her lips skyward. "This option _truly _tickles me."

"Hyne, you are one crazy bi-" Seifer caught himself, and just in time - Xu was curling her left hand into a powerful fist. "Fine, fine." His eyes quickly moved to Quistis and he fell silent.

The young instructor was engrossed in conversation with Kiros. Both Seifer and Zell had noticed it, but neither one was in a position to do anything. Xu saw it as well, but chose to say nothing - she didn't perceive Kiros as any kind of threat. As a matter of fact, it was obvious simply by his expression that the adviser was an intelligent man; it must have been refreshing for Quistis to have someone so learned to talk to. Smiling to herself, the brunette continued to pretty up Zell's face - the less time that Quistis spent communicating with Seifer, the better.

_Now that would be one hell of a disaster…_

Suddenly, the only door that led in and out of the basement swung open. Lady Zsa Zsa stood in its frame, arms akimbo and a grin spread across her deceivingly made-up face. She had since traded in her previous attire for a canary yellow tube top dress that hit just above her knee. Orange stilettos and hair completed her outlandishly fabulous look…not to mention the strange electricity that crackled between her manicured nails. Despite her appearance, it was clear that these drag queens were fairly adept magic users.

Zsa Zsa glared in the direction of the boys and Xu, a look of pure amusement dancing across her features. "Have they tried on their gowns, sweet cheeks?"

Xu shook her head. "Not yet, but what's the rush? We've got time, correct?"

The queen took a moment to evaluate Seifer, and it took ever fiber of his being to suppress the urge to leap up and tear off her fake eyelashes one by one. Funnily enough, the longer that the embers of hatred sizzled and burned in his belly, the more that Seifer saw behind the façade that was the queens' elaborate makeup. Zsa Zsa was looking manlier than ever, and he would have laughed if not for the fact that he probably looked just as ridiculous, if not more so. The gunbladist inwardly grimaced, remembered the strangely pink, creamy cosmetic that Xu applied to his eyelids only fifteen minutes previous…

"Oh, you have time. Mr. Gerogero just thought that his man-peaches should practice walkin' around in their heels… I ain't got a clue as to what he sees in you fools." Zsa Zsa made an attempt to flip her hair; unfortunately, elaborately synthetic orange wigs will never comply to the laws of physics, and her gesture came off as more eerie than anything else. "Ya'll bitches look tacky as hell to me!"

"WHAT?" Zell flew to his feet, two tightly balled fists ready to be thrown. His sudden outburst prompted Quistis to stand - the martial artist normally needed someone to talk him down when his impulsivity got the best of him. "Who exactly do you think you are, bargin' in here and making fun of us?! We're only doin' this to get our friend back from your creepy ass boss!" The electricity Zsa Zsa was generating suddenly grew brighter and stronger, but Zell rolled his eyes. Everyone was somewhat taken aback at his immediate, nonchalant attitude. "Spark all you want, I don't care. I'm a SeeD mercenary, and I don't have a problem with fucking your shit up. Right now. Makeup or not."

Instead of aiming a Thundaga spell at his face, Zsa Zsa only chuckled and nodded in the direction of the small brawling blond. "Impressive, sweet cheeks! Very impressive indeed. Just do yourself a favor and make sure you tuck back your newly found pair of balls before you slip into that gown, all right?" She didn't leave time for Zell to retaliate, as she immediately retreated up the stairs in a flourish, shutting the door behind her.

"Tch…_new _balls…" Zell muttered to no one in particular, stomping over to his designated garment bag. He didn't realize the four sets of eyes that were on him as he tore into it, revealing a strapless, violet sequined gown. The blond took a moment to evaluate the dress, then tossed it to the floor so that he could begin the process of undressing by first unzipping his jeans. "Least I'm _proud _of 'em…let them fuckers dangle free and shit…"

Before he could further describe and/or expose his anatomy to the others, Quistis walked over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. The unexpected contact woke Zell up from whatever world his mind was swimming in, and he glanced up to meet the Instructor's comforting gaze. "Zell, perhaps you'd rather change behind that stack of crates over there?"

"Why? I've got boxers on, you're not gonna see anything."

The blonde shook her head. "I don't think you can wear boxers underneath that dress, Zell…it'll be too obvious!"

"Say what?!"

"Come on, dipstick!" Seifer stood up and strode over to Zell, grabbing his own garment bag. "The sooner we put these on, the sooner we can take them off and get the _fuck _out of here." His emerald eyes swept over Quistis's face for but a moment. "Instructor, of all people in this room you should be the _least _worried about what we look like without our boxers on. Have you so quickly forgotten?"

Xu was about to hurl an insult in the gunbladist's direction, but Quistis's glacial stare silenced her. Instead, the blonde let a grin creep upon her face. She would _not _let Seifer mock her in front of Kiros. "Not at all, Seifer. Rather, I'm doing you a favor by suggesting you change in private. You weren't as impressive as you lead people to believe, and I'd hate to let you embarrass yourself in front of anyone else."

Seifer heard Xu snicker, but it didn't particularly matter to him. Instead, the fallen Knight was honed on to the reaction of Kiros; ever since he mentioned that Quistis had seen them naked, the adviser was glancing in every which direction _but _at her. In the blond's opinion, that was success enough for the moment. _Small victories, Almasy… They'll add up. _

He mock bowed, sarcasm lacing his every gesture and utterance. "Your wish is my command, Trepe."

As the boys retreated to change, Quistis pressed her fingertips to her cheeks, which were now growing ever the more crimson. She knew that she shouldn't allow herself to be so self-conscious, especially when she just finished silencing the one man she thought was un-silence-able. Where had her newfound cheeky behavior come from? It would have come in handy four or five years ago when Seifer was still an incorrigible student…

"Are you all right?" A voice from behind her made Quistis turn around. Kiros was concerned for her, an eyebrow raised and his arms crossed over his chest. "You look a little queasy all of a sudden…"

"Oh, yeah - I'll be fine," Quistis replied, tucking several rogue strands of hair behind her ears. "You don't have to worry about me, Mr. Sea-"

"_Kiros," _they both said at the same time, prompting the Instructor to giggle like a first-year Garden cadet. Xu shook her head, busying herself with cleaning up the cosmetics on the floor. The brunette couldn't figure out why Quistis was letting Kiros get her panties in a twist, but at the moment she was in no position to protest… After all, _she _needed to save her _husband._ The word sounded corrosive and evil to her "single lady" spirit, and all of a sudden Quistis wasn't the only woman in the room that was queasy.

"Yo! Are they outta their goddamn minds?!" The sound of Zell's surprised yelp reverberated through the tiny room. "It's bad enough we're wearing these stupid dresses, but fake _boobs _too?"

Seifer growled in frustration. "Zell, just put it on and shut up, all right?"

"You mean you're not pissed about this?!"

"Of _course _I am, Dincht! But if you whine like a little girl one more time, I'm going to punch you in the fucking head!"

"…all right. But how do you even put them on?"

"Not like _that…_ Hyne! Tits don't go on your _back_!"

Xu exchanged a glance with Quistis. For the first time in a long while, the brunette looked genuinely anxious. Her hazel eyes flickered with bewilderment as a loud crash came from where Seifer and Zell were changing. "Maybe we would've been better off just going in there, guns blazing…?"

Quistis shook her head. "You said so yourself, Xu. All they need to do is go onstage, and we get Nida back." The blonde cocked her head to the side. "What is that I see on your face?"

"N-nothing! It's nothing!" Xu tried to shield her expression from her best friend, but it was too late. While normally successful at putting up a good front, every now and then the SeeD let her guard down in front of Quistis… Hey, it wasn't easy being Asrai E. Xu each day! Drunk or sober, Xu wouldn't have 'married' Nida if he didn't mean anything to her, and she couldn't deny that her friendship with the shy SeeD cadet had blossomed over the past several months. "I'm just weighing all our options, OK? How hard could it _really _be to kick the crap out of a couple drag queens, a midget, and a pathetic-as-shit mob boss?"

"Unfortunately, we don't know if anyone else is involved," Kiros said. "We've been down here for about two and a half hours now. There must be patrons up there, and perhaps even more of the Gerogeros' thugs."

"It's too much of a risk," Quistis added.

"I know, I know!" Xu slapped her forehead with her palm. "But this just feels so counterproductive! As much as I know I'm going to _love _watching Almasy parade around in drag, I can't help but think that things would go much quicker if we just kick ass and take names."

"Speaking of ass-kicking, I think I'd really fuck someone's day up in these shoes!"

Xu, Quistis, and Kiros looked up to see Zell teeter out from behind the crates on a pair of sky-high, silver stilettos with Seifer following close behind. Both almost looked as if they had epilepsy, the glamour of their elegant, violet gowns spoiled by their erratic steps and groans of disgust. Each wore a platinum blonde wig, styled so that they appeared to have massive beehives coiffed upon their heads. Zell went to take a step toward Xu, but his ankle rolled and he yelled, grabbing onto Seifer's arm in order to steady himself. Unfortunately, at that moment the gunbladist was not a source of stability and the two blonds went tumbling to the ground.

"Oh, man…" Xu stood and walked over to the boys, helping each one of them to their feet. With the stilettos, Seifer stood at approximately 6'5" and towered over the much smaller brunette. Even Zell, who was typically the small fry of any contingent, was taller than the high ranking SeeD female. "You guys look _great! _Wear this all the time! You'd be the hit of every SeeD ball from here to the second coming of Hyne!"

Seifer glared at her. "I can't say that I'm in a real joking mood right now, Xu."

She craned her neck to look at him - the extra five inches certainly added something to the intimidation factor, that was for sure. "Fine! No jokes until we get this over with, Almasy. You have my word."

He raised both eyebrows. "Serious? Why're you so goddamn soft all of a sudden?"

Xu's cheeks flushed a pale pink, and she crossed her arms over her chest in an attempt to regain her composure. "None of your business. Ask one more time and I'll beat your ass with your own stiletto."

The blond nodded. "Understood."

At that moment, the basement door swung open and banged loudly against the stone wall. Zsa Zsa was there again, although this time she was accompanied by Giacomo. The tiny man's fingers were interlaced with those of the queen, suggesting that relations between the two were somewhat _more _than platonic. A confused squeak came from Zell's throat, sapphire eyes wide. The extraordinary height different between the pair was enough to create an palpable feeling of puzzlement throughout the room.

Unlike earlier, Giacomo was now dressed in a tiny pinstripe suit, so small that it looked as if he had to purchase it at a children's store in order to get the proper size. His black hair was slicked back, and his beady eyes were narrowed with frustration at once again being in the presence of Xu, his captor. "Well, well, well. You fuckers clean up a lot better than I thought ya would! Big Brudda is gonna be mighty pleased!"

"Why couldn't he come down here himself and say it?" Xu inquired whilst cracking her knuckles. Clearly, she had fully regained her typical persona and was waiting for a chance to clean Giacomo's clock, so to speak… It had already been far too long since she felt the familiar, satisfying sensation of punching someone in the jaw. If she had to settle for punching a man that only came up to her bellybutton, then so be it. "And why are _you _hiding behind your ostrich girlfriend?"

Giacomo chuckled. He brandished in his free hand an electro-mag rod that he pointed directly at the brunette. "I don't hide behind anyone, hussy. Ya want a piece of Giacomo? Come get a taste!"

Xu fumed. As much as she wanted to lay him out, she knew that it was in everyone's best interest for her to keep her cool. She was a SeeD, and a damned good one at that - she _would _stay calm. "I wouldn't give you the satisfaction, runt."

The tiny man shrugged off her insult and turned his attention towards Seifer and Zell. "Big Brudda wanted me to tell you that the show is gonna start real soon. Ya might wanna head up the stairs now and get backstage… You're free ta leave if ya want, but Nida'll stay locked up if ya do that. So I kindly suggest that ya'll stick around, order a drink, and watch the show."

Quistis reached out and placed a hand on Xu's bicep while nodding to Giacomo. They would stay, and the boys would perform, and everyone would emerge from Edge in one piece - Nida included.

"Come with me, strumpets!" Lady Zsa Zsa gestured to Seifer and Zell; the blonds glanced at each other nervously. "Oh, ya'll are fretting about your shoes? Ain't no thing, baby! Little steps!"

Zell grumbled. "What in the ever loving _fuck…_ I can't make it two feet in these! How am I supposed to get up the damn stairs?"

"You're a Seed," Seifer muttered, holding his arms out as if he was on a tightrope as he walked forward. "Figure it out. Can't possibly be harder than fighting Ultimecia."

"Touché," The martial artist shrugged and took several tentative steps, hands out in front as if he were blind. "Maybe we'll get there before the finale, at this speed…"

Xu, Quistis, and Kiros watched as Seifer and Zell crept ever so slowly towards the staircase that led to the club. Zsa Zsa was surprisingly more benevolent than before, giving the blonds tips on how to walk in their heels. Giacomo led the way, his electro-mag rod sparking and ready if things went awry. Quistis sighed - this was easily the strangest series of events that had ever occurred in her entire twenty-two years of life. How was she _ever _going to explain this to anyone? At all?

"What do you suggest we do now?" The blonde glanced at both Kiros and Xu, waiting for some kind of intelligent response. However, after watching two of their male comrades parade up the stairs in stilettos and purple dresses…there seemed to be a significant lack of intelligent responses.

"As far as this situation is concerned," Xu began, running a hand through her already mussed brown hair, "I only have one suggestion. I suggest we drink. Heavily. And hope that by some act of Hyne, Seifer and Zell don't break their ankles onstage."

"What exactly are they supposed to _do _onstage?" Kiros inquired. "Were they given a routine?"

"Nah, they're wingin' it."

Quistis placed her face in her palms and shook her head slowly. "Oh, this is going to be so bad."

Xu shrugged. "I _know_. Hence, the reason why we mustn't be sober."

"…"

* * *

**A/N:** OK! I swear I haven't abandoned my chapter projects - this one AND _Life Long Forgotten! _I decided that I want to finish this one first, simply because it's the more enjoyable of the two, I feel. I've just been rather busy as of late and have lost some of my creative steam, but I'm trying to find it again, I promise! I hope that there isn't any kind of disconnect between this chapter and those that came before it - if so, please REVIEW and let me know! :]

Chapter 8 is going to be part two of this scene, so stay tuned! I just really hate typing out long chapters - I'd rather break up the scenes and not upload such long, tedious documents. Just my style of writing...kinda cliff-hangerish, I suppose.


	8. Gimme Gimme Gimme A Man After Midnight

_Splendor_

_by: fluffy pantoufle_

Quistis and Xu were nestled comfortably against the bar as Club Edge began to practically pulsate with activity and excitement. The annual drag show was easily the establishment's biggest attraction because for the most part, all who attended had one hell of a good time. For the unfortunate few that were staging an impromptu rescue mission, being jostled around by drag queens and common drunks alike was nearly enough to cause heads to roll. As time wore on, Quistis clutched her cocktail - Xu ordered her something called the Phoenix Down _and Dirty_ - with an ever-increasing sense of trepidation.

Admittedly, the feelings were nothing new. The frosty-eyed Instructor always felt her stomach coil up like a rattlesnake when she let Seifer Almasy out of her sight. Not being able to see the volatile man meant that there was even more potential for something disastrous to happen. She suffered even more knowing that Zell was with him; the martial artist would more than likely serve as a catalyst to any altercation the gunbladist could get himself into. To add insult to injury, both men were teetering on silver stilettos backstage, waiting rather impatiently to perform their unrehearsed musical number and save Nida.

Oh, and how could we ever forget about the ménage à trios of _awkward_ that went down between the trio of blondes? As Quistis began to reach an uncomfortable level of sobriety, flashes of what actually occurred on that fateful night began to surface in her mind…

Wouldn't Seifer be positively furious if he found out that Zell was, well…brandishing the larger gunblade of the two, so to speak? A sly smirk formed on Quistis's face as she replayed the naughty image in her mind, peeking around to see if Kiros had come back from the bathroom yet. Lucky for Seifer, Hyne had bestowed upon him several other gifts that Zell was lacking, namely in the area of, well…_oral _hijinks and other such folly…

"I recognize that look on your face!" Xu exclaimed, shouting over the repetitively sonorous trace music serving as the soundtrack for the evening. Her face was slowly recovering its familiar inebriated glaze from the night before, and with it would soon come the SeeD's complete lack of inhibition. Sobriety never quite suited Xu in the same fashion as blatant drunkenness did. "That drink ain't the only thing that's been _going down _on you, is it?!"

Quistis lightly kicked Xu's barstool with her boot. "Don't go there, Xu!"

The brunette threw her head back and laughed. "Lighten up, Trepesicle! Soon enough, we'll get Nida back and we can just go drink ourselves ridiculous back at Cactuar Bar or something!"

"…_Trepesicle?" _

Xu shrugged and raised her glass to the level of her eyes. "I don't fucking know… I think there's at least a triple shot of Trabian whiskey in this thing." With a swift shrug of her shoulders, she raised the glass to her lips and took a hearty swig of the drink - so hearty in fact, two passerby drag queens patted her on the back for her impressive display. She then placed the emptied glass on the bar and honed her sights on the barely touched cocktail in her friend's hands. "What about _you? _Drain the dregs, Q!"

"I don't think there will ever be a time or place in which I can drink like that, Xu…" Quistis said, although she lacked the volume of her companion. The Instructor sighed and took a sip from her glass, realizing that Xu probably didn't hear a word - she was already too busy shouting at the bartender to mix her another beverage. Her cocktail had a distinct cinnamon flavor, causing her to wince inwardly. She had never been a fan of spicy things, least of all spicy alcohol.

"You know," Xu began randomly (brand new glass in hand), "I once got arrested in Timber for mixing one of those drinks in a soldier's mouth."

The blonde's eyes narrowed. "You're making that up."

"Abso-fucking-lutely NOT! It was the same night that I hooked up with that guy that pals around with Heartilly outside of Timber Maniacs…"

"Zone?" Quistis raised an eyebrow.

"Hyne, no! The other one - the creepy little bastard that kept calling me 'Miss Xu' even when he had his tongue down my throat and his hands in my pants."

"Watts!"

"That's the one!" Xu pumped a triumphant fist in the air, almost falling off of her stool in the process. "He was absolute _rubbish." _

Quistis was ready to respond, but from the corner of her eye she saw Kiros weaving his way through the tightly packed crowd. His exotic features, made all the more masculine by the surrounding queens, was a stronger intoxicant than any liquor that Xu could throw in her direction. With the massive amount of people came a spike in temperature, causing a dewy sheen to appear on the adviser's face and neck. Their eyes playfully met and darted away, leaving smiles on the faces of both parties.

It never occurred to Quistis that perhaps for Kiros, the source of heat all along came from her own presence and smoldering looks. It had been far too long since a woman as damningly beautiful as Miss Trepe ever gave the older man a second glance, and he wasn't planning to let it all go to waste. _Get it together, Seagill. You've been in trickier situations than this before… Although admittedly never with a woman so goddamned gorgeous._

The Instructor, on the other hand, quickly took a long sip of her drink so as not to look too suspicious to Xu. If her brunette companion picked up on the attraction between Quistis and Kiros, they'd never hear the end of it until their return to Balamb Garden. She made a grimace as the spicy cinnamon-esque liquor trickled down her throat, burning all the way. However, it was a small price to pay to dodge eternal mockery.

Xu noticed the face that Quistis made and the sputtering that soon followed. "Hah! That soldier did the same thing! I guess pouring straight Mog-schlager in a guy's mouth is never a smart thing to do, huh?"

With a hand to her chest, Quistis couldn't help but glare at Xu, who was reaching an inhuman level of inebriation at an astounding pace. "Are you…even _allowed _to step foot in Timber again?"

"Oh man, are you _kidding?" _Quisty's superior officer took yet another sip from her glass, which was now less than half full. "The sheriff that arrested me still writes!"

* * *

The increased energy and exhilaration that was coursing through Edge certainly hadn't neglected the queens preparing their numbers backstage - two of which were none other than Seifer Almasy and Zell Dincht. While every performer in that particular area was a man dressed as a woman, there were obvious traits about both blonds that set them apart from the rest. With a scowl on his pretty face and his arms wound tightly against his chest, Seifer stared at the wall. The beehive hairstyle towered on top of his head and practically loomed over all those who dared to give him a second look - as a matter of fact, that particular hairdo never managed to look so damned threatening. His stance was no different than if he wore his trademark jacket and black pants, prompting Zell to chuckle on more than one occasion.

Luckily for the smaller blond, practicing martial arts for the better part of his life bestowed upon him a nimbleness that most males his age didn't possess. After all, the dizzying flurry of kicks and punches that Zell perfected were like a dance in themselves. Once he mastered the art of walking in heels, the brawler took to his favorite past-time - shadowboxing. Of course, his movements were a little stiffer due to the stilettos and gown, but Zell still managed to flow through the motions as if they were the most natural thing in the world.

"Did Edea ever test you for attention deficit disorder when you were a kid?" Seifer inquired in a dull voice. He was the only one of the orphans that didn't bother to call the sorceress 'Matron,' although considering his history it wasn't hard to figure out why. "You look like a pissy little parrot, jumping around like that."

Zell immediately ceased his shadowboxing and raised a pseudo-intimidating fist in Seifer's direction. "What the hell is it with all the goddamned _bird _references?! Chickens, parrots…shut your mouth, Almasy."

"Don't pout, Dincht," Seifer groaned, rolling his eyes at the agitated blond. "I was only making an observation. Let's just worry about getting this shit over with…my feet are _killing _me in these fucking shoes."

"I know, right?" Zell's azure eyes glimmered in Seifer's direction; unlike arguments in the past, he found himself allowing Seifer's remarks to roll more easily off of his shoulders. Perhaps it was a sign of growing up. "Now I can't understand why girls ever bother to wear these things to like…parties and stuff. How d'ya even walk around after about half an hour?"

"Beats the hell outta me."

"Yo, I have a question."

Seifer raised his green eyes to Zell. He couldn't remember the last time that the martial artist actually posed him a legitimate question… It felt _weird_. Their conversations were never this civil, not even as children; it almost felt as if a storm was bubbling and brewing on the horizon somewhere, just waiting ever so patiently to erupt. "Yeah?"

"Should we at least _try _to make something up? Like, aren't they gonna expect us to do a couple dance moves or some shit like that?"

"Uh…" The gunbladist watched as Zell tried to gyrate his hips in a most displeasing fashion. With the dress, and the wig, and the makeup… It had the potential to be one of the most terrifying scenes he had ever witnessed - Sorceress War _and _Time Compression included. "You expect me to do _that_?"

Several queens chuckled at the sight. Zell was rather relentless in coming up with a sequence of dance moves that they could execute on stage. He couldn't be sure, but Seifer was almost positive that he heard the young man sing, "he's a super freak, super freak - he's super freaky, yow" underneath his breath as he tried to create meaningful accentuations with his hip swivels and pelvic thrusts. The last dance move he did before stopping to take a breather involved a weak attempt at rump shaking that Seifer was convinced he could _never _do, even if he were double-jointed _and _wearing normal male clothing. Thankfully, the martial artist was persuaded to stop his attempts at choreography when one man nearby managed to fall into a full split with extraordinary ease. Zell was in no spirit to try and one-up a drag queen that probably had years of intensive dance training.

Nimble? Graceful? Elegant? Sure, Zell could have potentially been all of those things. However, when it came to actually devising and executing a series of steps, the poor boy was all left feet.

"Well, fuck. Can't they just give us one of those big martini glasses with the suds in 'em to roll around in?" He asked with a sigh. "I've seen girls do that before! It looks like fun!"

"Sure, Zell. People would definitely pay any amount of gil to watch you flop around in an oversized booze glass…" Seifer rolled his eyes. "That'll happen just as soon as I get pardoned by each and every one of those same people for being a Sorceress's Knight."

"But, Seifer…" Zell trailed off almost as soon as he began. There was really nothing he could say to quell the guilt that Seifer would ultimately feel for the rest of his days. For the briefest of moments, the martial artist saw beyond the ridiculous makeup into the face of a man that was truly hurting. Not only that, but for the first time in his entire life…Zell felt genuine pity for the one person that made most of his young life a living hell.

"PLACES, PLACES!"

The shrill cries of both Tequila Mockingbird and Lady Zsa Zsa were enough to shake up both of the unprepared blonds. Zell felt a sudden moment of sharp pain in his ankle - the one he rolled on when he first put on his stilettos - and wondered for a moment whether or not he'd need to put ice on it later. There was a clamor of queens as all the acts scurried off to where they needed to be behind the curtains. Seifer and Zell glanced at one another, each with an expression of unadulterated fear plastered across their faces.

"Hyne, I can't believe we're doing this," Seifer muttered. He tried desperately to hide the fact that his hands were clammy from nerves - unless GF usage wiped his memories entirely, the gunbladist couldn't remember a single time that he performed onstage for _anything_…

"Nida better pay for our drinks for the rest of the fuckin' week!" Zell exclaimed, flashing a grin.

* * *

Just as Quistis managed to choke down the rest of her cocktail, the lights in the club suddenly dimmed to a dangerously low crimson. She peeked up at Kiros for the briefest of moments - after much pressuring from Xu, the older man decided to order a draught beer and was sipping it tentatively. He must have felt the Instructor's icy blue eyes, because he flashed a grin and quickly began to scrutinize his shoes.

A glittering disco ball was suddenly lowered from the ceiling, capturing the attention of all those in attendance. It was at that moment that Lady Zsa Zsa Lahore and Tequila Mockingbird sauntered on from stage left in a grand display of glitter, multi-colored feathery plumage and more makeup than an entire chorus line. Their dresses were both floor-length and equally extravagant; the kaleidoscope of color was almost breathtaking, in a way. The two queens were met with thunderous applause - apparently they were much more popular than the SeeDs had anticipated. Tequila reached for the microphone while Zsa Zsa strutted down the catwalk, occasionally bending low to retrieve a dollar bill from the mouth of one of their many admirers. From the corner of her eye, Quistis saw Xu rummaging through her purse, no doubt looking for a dollar or two to throw at the stage herself.

"My, my, aren't all ya'll bitches in the crowd looking fierce as _hell _tonight?" Tequila inquired with theatrical, sultry tones lacing her voice. Responses included hoots, hollers, and cat-calls as Zsa Zsa returned to Tequila's side, now fanning herself with the dollar bills that she collected. "Zsa Zsa and myself would love to thank ya'll for coming out and making this show a continued success during Sorceress Festival every single year!"

"I wish I could kiss each and every one of your delicious cheeks!" Zsa Zsa cried. "And I'll try, if one of you high rollers out there won't mind buying little ol' me a drink…or six!"

"It's been awhile since Zsa Zsa had a sugar daddy," Tequila remarked with a wink. "Be careful, she bites!"

"Nah honey, I'll only nibble!" Zsa Zsa took the microphone from Tequila and strolled to center stage, hips swinging all the while. "Now, we ain't gonna prolong the suspense any longer! Our first act is new to the stage, but I must say… They are two scrumptious little man-nuggets!"

"Man-nuggets?" Xu raised both eyebrows and stared at Quistis. "What the _fuck? _This bitch just gets stranger and _stranger_…"

Zsa Zsa continued, oblivious to Xu's comments. "Please, give it up for…" She stared at Tequila - what in Hyne's name were Seifer's and Zell's drag queen names going to be?

Tequila suddenly had a mischievous glint in her overly-shadowed eyes. "Tess…Tosterone! And Penny Tration!"

Quistis couldn't help but gasp as Tess and Penny - better known as Seifer and Zell - made their way onto the stage. Someone from behind the scenes pressed the prerecorded tape, and before anyone could protest the sounds of a most familiar, disco-style song shook the speakers that hung inconspicuously in each corner of the room.

Xu flung her arms in the air and screamed. The contents of her glass rained down on a girl wearing a cream-colored dress, but the SeeD couldn't be bothered. "I FUCKING LOVE THIS SONG!"

"What _is _this song?" Quistis inquired, but it was too little too late. Her companion was already bum rushing the stage - the Instructor watched as Xu pushed a drag queen at least thrice her size out of the way so she could have front row access to this performance. As a matter of fact, Xu was so drunk that it was highly possible that she didn't even know that it was Seifer and Zell up there. Quistis quickly scanned the bar to see if Xu perhaps left her purse behind, but it was nowhere to be found.

Kiros saw the blonde glance around nervously and place a hand on her own pocketbook. "Don't worry, Xu has hers," the adviser assured Quistis. "Although I'm sure that come tomorrow, she's going to be looking for all the dollar gils that she's currently throwing on the stage in reckless abandon…"

_Is there a man out there?_

_Someone to hear my prayer…_

It would be safe to say that Quistis couldn't bring herself to look up at the stage, but the cries that erupted from the crowd suggested that perhaps the boys weren't doing too terribly up there. The blonde still didn't recognize the song and knew that she never would once she saw Kiros tapping his foot along out of the corner of her eye.

He grinned. "This was popular when I was your age."

_Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight,_

_Won't somebody help me chase the shadows away? _

From the perspective of Seifer and Zell, it was alternately lucky and unfortunate for them that the spotlights of the club weren't so bright that they couldn't see the audience. At the very least, both young men had a perfect view of where their fellow SeeDs were. Surrounding Xu and Quistis, however, were a sea of drag queens catcalling and licking their lips - some shaking whatever assets they had in a most provocative fashion. If this was the scene they were into, well…both boys would have been in absolute heaven.

"Oh, Hyne," Zell squeaked just as the lights were about to come up onstage.

Seifer gave him a rough nudge with his elbow. "Just dance!" he hissed. "It's prerecorded, so don't worry about singing!"

_Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight,_

_Take me through the darkness to the break of the day!_

Zell could have sworn that his Ma used to sing this song every now and then as she prepared dinner. _Never _would he have guessed that it was the very same song that just so happened to be the anthem of each and every drag queen in Deling City! The crowd swayed and grooved with the beat, and Seifer's advice was correct: not only were the lyrics prerecorded, but the crowd was singing so loudly that it wouldn't have mattered if the martial artist screamed at the top of his lungs. A disco ball dropped from the ceiling above the catwalk and turned slowly, glittering as it did so.

It came as a surprise to everyone that knew Seifer Almasy when, just as the song began, he strutted directly to the catwalk whilst devilishly shimmying his bare shoulders. Zell watched with wide eyes as the gunbladist walked with an almost frightening amount of poise, not tripping over his heels once. His feet stepped in time with the beat until he got about halfway down the catwalk, at which point Seifer executed several dance moves that would have been considered flamboyant had he been wearing his normal attire. However, whilst donning the elaborate dress and wig, it looked…sexy?

Zell struggled to keep down the bile that suddenly rose in his throat. _How can I even think such a fucking thing?!_

"Hey, sweet thing!"

"Show us your stuff, baby doll!"

"Ah!" The brawler had been so engrossed in Seifer's performance that he forgot he was onstage as well, and the spotlight was now swiveling over to him. Someone in the crowd was throwing handfuls of glitter and confetti onto the stage, and the glitz and sparkle of it all momentarily threw Zell off-guard.

Could he top the taller blond's surprisingly sensual dance moves?

Before Zell made a single move his eyes picked up the drunken dancing of Xu, who looked to have been wagging around at least twenty paper gil in her mouth whilst waiting for one of the queens to take it. Her eyes were closed and she was singing loudly along to whatever lyrics were blasting over the sound system.

_Here's to hoping that Xu's so drunk she won't remember this in the mornin'…_

The crowd cheered in delight as Zell finally sauntered into the spotlight. He flashed the spectators a brilliant smile and shook his hips to the left, to the right - Hyne, he wished that he paid better attention when Rinoa tried to teach him that godforsaken Macarena dance! Seifer glanced over his shoulder from the catwalk to see Zell mock-jazz running up to meet him, every now and then crouching down to high-five another drag queen and jiggle his ample (and very artificial) bosom in their direction.

"What the _fuck _are you doing?" Seifer demanded through clenched teeth, all the while lifting his arms over his head and wiggling his body like his bones were made of gelatin.

"This!" Zell decided to cast caution to the wind and upstaged Seifer by slowly sliding down into a full, 180-degree center split. The gunbladist scowled - first because Zell stole his thunder, but then because he realized he was actually _upset _about this turn of events.

He recalled the drag queen backstage that fell into the perfect split, and realized that Zell Dincht - despite his ridiculous, "super freaky" hip swivels - was holding back until he was onstage! Tricky little bugger!

"SHAKE YOUR MONEY-FUCKING-MAKER!"

Xu's euphoric screech made Seifer cringe inwardly. She took the money from her mouth and was holding it in two fistfuls above her head, waving her arms from side to side in time with the music. He wondered where Quistis was, only to see her sitting at the bar with her head in her hands, Kiros at her side. It occurred to Seifer that perhaps he could do something from the stage to attract Quistis's attention, but all his ideas were shattered when he witnessed the unthinkable.

Asrai Xu - one of Balamb Garden's most stellar and decorated officers - had a single piece of paper gil in her mouth and was standing on her tiptoes, eyes closed in a state of inebriated bliss. Zell leaned down and, completely in character, took the dollar gil with his own mouth. He made sure to let his lips caress hers for just a second, creating a swell of applause and exhilarated screams from the surrounding spectators.

Keep in mind that all this occurred whilst the martial artist was still in one of the most impressive splits that Seifer had ever witnessed outside of a gymnastics competition.

_I have officially seen it all, _Seifer thought in a state of shock. Xu opened her eyes and pumped her fists in exultation; the drag queen that she pushed earlier was now slapping her on the back in congratulations.

Quistis, on the other hand, had not yet lifted her eyes to gawk at what exactly was happening onstage. At this point, she just wanted this to be over as soon as humanly possible - her bed was waiting for her back at the hotel. Suddenly, nothing else mattered as the exhaustion began to seep its way into the Instructor's weary bones.

"How're you holding up?"

She nearly forgot that Kiros was next to her until she heard his velvety voice and felt his hand at the small of her back. It was enough to send a jolt of electricity up and down her spine and she sat bolt upright with the sensation. How did the adviser _know _that the small of her back was one of her…pleasure points?

"Oh, I'm all right," Quistis reassured him. "Absolutely fine. Really."

Kiros smiled and moved his hand in a circular motion, unaware of the tingling that was rapidly making the blonde's body a veritable livewire. "You just looked like you needed a bit of air for a moment there."

Hyne! Some liquor and a man's touch and all of a sudden Quistis's panties were in several precarious twists! A nervous giggle forced its way out of her throat - very much out of character for the stoic young woman. "I've got plenty of air here!" she exclaimed. It was hard to block from her mind the urge to just toss her head back and moan in delight, but in order to save face she struggled and hoped that Kiros would eventually stop.

"If you say so," he replied, removing his hand from her back. She sighed in relief, only to be put on edge once again as Kiros's arm wound its way around her lithe waist.

_What is he thinking?! _

"Excuse me, uh…" Quistis began in a meek little voice, eyebrows raised, "What exactly are -"

Like any self-respecting gentleman would, Kiros immediately removed his arm from her waist. "Oh, sorry!" he apologized. "I didn't realize! And, um - it was just that -"

Seeing the older man start and stop over his sentences like a tongue-tied teen made the Instructor grin. "Don't worry about it, Kiros," she replied, although it came out more as a seductive _purr _than anything else. Did she even mean to do that? "It felt…nice."

He nodded, although was still visibly flustered. It was a minute or two before Quistis felt his arm once again at her waist, but this time she didn't say a word. She knew that his advances wouldn't go beyond this, and for once it actually _did _feel rather nice.

* * *

_What is he THINKING?! _

Zell was the one to first notice Kiros as he put the moves on Quistis. He and Seifer knew that the song was coming to its fever pitch and were dancing circles around one another up and down the catwalk. If the martial artist hadn't opened his eyes when he did, then the adviser's sly move would have gone entirely unnoticed. As it stood, however, Zell watched with horror as Kiros slipped his arm around Quistis and pulled her close to his own body.

What was worse was that she didn't seem to be against it! What the hell!

"Almasy!" Zell elbowed Seifer lightly in the back in order to get his attention. "Look at that fucking guy!"

"What guy?" Seifer inquired, making sure to continue with his poor excuse for a samba as he stared at Zell with a perplexed expression.

"Kiros!" Zell glowered. "Who the _fuck _does he think he is?!"

"Eh?" Although he would never readily admit it, Seifer was getting quite used to those big, clunky high heeled shoes and reveled in the attention of the crowd. He couldn't remember another time in his life in which anyone - be it drag queens or otherwise - adored him this much. Sure, being the Sorceress's Knight came with notoriety, but that was predominantly because the general public feared him. There was nothing to fear in this situation…it was _glorious_.

In a sordid sort of way, that is.

The gunbladist's eyes adjusted to the strange lighting and sought Quistis out. There was an audible growl that erupted from his throat at the sight, low and animalistic. Zell grinned - the last person Kiros wanted to deal with in any given situation was Seifer Almasy, and even more so now that he was wearing a dress and platform heels. "What does that Hyne-damned clown think he's fucking _doing?!" _

"No idea," Zell agreed. "You think we should get this shit over with and kick his sorry ass?"

Seifer nodded vehemently. "Let's get this motherfucker."

* * *

At their little corner of the bar, Kiros had long since stopped watching the drag show and was now enamored in the exquisite beauty that was Quistis's features. Her body rose and fell softly, steadily…although it was clear that she wasn't too enthused with her current surroundings. There was a pretty distinct juxtaposition being made with the Instructor and the drunken crowd that surrounded her.

Yes, Quistis Trepe was the type of woman that Kiros wished that Balamb Garden never sunk its teeth into. To think of how different her life could have been if she hadn't undergone all the military training, seen all the battles… A strong and noble woman she was, of that there could be no doubt.

But Kiros longed to discover the woman that laid underneath all of that. He wondered if at this point it was even possible to do so…

And then he heard the bewildered shouts and screams of the crowd. Zell and Seifer had leapt off the stage, and were heading in the direction of the adviser with clenched fists.

Oh, this was going to be a wonderful scene indeed.

* * *

A/N: Hello, all! I do apologize for the wait as far as this chapter is concerned! I cut it a little bit shorter than I was intending only because I forgot exactly where the hell I wanted to go with the scene, but everything should come together in the next installment. :-] Now that National Novel Writing Month is over, I can now dedicate ample time to my fanfiction once again! Yay! I missed ya'll!


	9. Poker Faces & Stolen Sequins

Splendor

by: _fluffy pantoufle_

A/N: I dare you to listen to Foxy's "Get Off" while you read this chapter. It's a 70s disco classic (my mom randomly downloaded it onto my iPod one day and I NEVER looked back), and I feel that it creates the proper setting for club Edge. Go ahead, try it. I'd bet any amount of money that you'll laugh even harder.

* * *

Now, lest you have forgotten the scene which is currently unfolding, allow me to lay it out for you in the least amount of words possible. Be forewarned that complete sentences shall not apply.

Quistis. Kiros. Touching. Alcohol. Xu. Nuts. More alcohol. Seifer and Zell - drag queens. Glitter. Too much makeup. High heels. Pissed the fuck _off._

While fragmented and altogether rather confusing, this is far more than Quistis Trepe could process or handle as she watched Seifer and Zell leap down from the stage and stomp in her general direction. Whatever happened between Zell's erotic gymnastic pyrotechnics and this particular moment was above and beyond both the instructor and Kiros, but whatever it was must have warranted this kind of behavior…

Or did it?

"What in the world are you _thinking?" _Quistis leapt to her feet and threw her hands in the air once Seifer and Zell got within earshot. It didn't immediately occur to her that club Edge was in a state of confusion themselves; half of the crowd was transfixed by the scene that they were creating (precisely the opposite of what they wanted to do), and the other half was clamoring for another performance. "You just ruined any chance that we had of getting Nida back without a fight!"

Behind the rouge, eye shadow and all-around fierceness, Seifer was seething with an entirely different kind of fierce - one that was prepared to do far more than bitch-slap Kiros across the face. Nay, that was child's play compared to what the gunbladist wanted to do to him. "Get the hell out of the way, Trepe," he growled. "This doesn't concern you."

Her jaw dropped. "How does this _not _concern me? Why in Hyne's name did you jump off that stage? We're _fucked _now, Almasy!"

Zell stood a step behind Seifer, too preoccupied with removing his drag attire to participate in the conversation. Sure, he was pissed off, but damn it - this club was _hot _underneath a beehive wig! The martial artist tore it off his head and placed it on the closest table - a table, need I mention, that was occupied and thoroughly irritated by his gesture. "How could you let him do that, Quisty?" he demanded once his attention was directed back at his friends.

"I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about," she replied, raising an eyebrow. "Are you two all of a sudden mad at _each other? _Because if that's the case, you sure as hell picked the wrong time for that!"

"Shit, no!" Zell cried, stabbing a finger in Kiros's direction. "How come you let him put his hands all over you, an' yet you'll barely even talk to me!"

"Or me!"

"Uh…yeah! Or Seifer!"

Kiros was not one to stand idly by, and he made his presence known by taking a step closer to Seifer and Zell - probably not one of his wiser moves. "Seifer, Zell - is this something that we can discuss later? Right now we have far bigger issues at -"

The adviser's words got stuck in his throat as his face just barely missed Seifer's right fist. Unfortunately, throwing an effective punch whilst wearing stilettos was far easier said than done, and the taller blond went teetering this way and that. Onlookers gasped and tried desperately to evacuate the area around them, but alas - unlike the song, evacuating the dance floor at this particular time was all but impossible due to the size of the crowd. Zell debated trying to get a hit in, seeing as hand to hand combat (regardless of footwear) was his specialty, but there was something in Quistis's expression that kept his fists steady.

She saw Seifer's fist coming - he was quick, but Quistis was trained to see those types of attacks, however clumsy they may have been. Instinctively, she had grabbed Kiros's arm and pulled him back. "You are impossible, Seifer Almasy!" she cried. "What are you trying to prove?"

He was about to retort in his typical, smartass attitude. If this had been several years earlier, he would have - no doubt about it. But then again, several years earlier he wouldn't have been caught _dead _in a purple dress and fake eyelashes to save a person that he wasn't even sure he considered a friend. As the seconds ticked by, Seifer's mouth became dry. He looked around - at Quistis's face, which had become all but friendly - Kiros, Zell, the drag queens…

_What the fuck am I doing? _

"You all right, man?" Zell asked meekly. The perplexed look on Seifer's face that had taken the place of its usual smug grin was more than a little bit frightening.

"Yeah, yeah," Seifer conceded, much to Quistis's surprise. He turned to Kiros. "Get Quistis and Xu out of here, all right? We'll find Nida."

Kiros was bewildered at this sudden change in his demeanor. "Seifer, but-"

"Can you just hurry the fuck up and _do it?" _The blond snarled, angry at both Kiros and himself. "Before I change my mind!"

"Where is Xu, anyway?" Quistis inquired nervously.

Zell smacked his forehead. "Oh, fuck - she could be anywhere!"

"NO, YOU CAN'T READ MY POKER FACE!"

The instructor shook her head, embarrassed. Xu should have taken far more pride in her position, but no - after a few stiff drinks, the SeeD operative would have gladly given over any and all authority that she had within Balamb Garden. And for what? Quistis watched as Xu tried to get a leg up on the stage, drag queens helping her hoist her drunken weight.

_At the very least, she's wearing underwear tonight… _the blonde thought to herself as her best friend inadvertently flashed the crowd.

"I'll be the next act!" Xu cried when she finally ascended the catwalk. She swiveled and shook her hips as the crowd cheered, slur-singing into a beer bottle that she found and conveniently made into a microphone. "Baby, when it's love - if it's not rough, it isn't fun!"

"We need to get her down!" Quistis shouted, mainly in Seifer's direction. Without waiting for a response, she made her way towards the stage, shoving whoever she needed to out of the way without so much as an 'excuse me.'

There was an awkward moment as the three men stared at each other, not knowing whether or not to follow the instructor. Neither of them wanted to deal with an angry Quistis - it was similar to an angry Xu, sans for the fact that Quistis being angry at you probably wouldn't leave as many scars physically or mentally.

"I'll go!" Kiros finally volunteered, breaking the uncomfortable staring contest. "Meet you outside!"

Seifer and Zell nodded as the adviser tried to follow the path that Quistis had initially taken, but the undulating crowd knew no pattern and would not let him through without a struggle. Luckily, he was just as tall if not taller than many of the patrons, and he could see quite clearly that Quistis was at the catwalk, trying to get Xu's attention.

"Xu! XU!" the blonde called, outstretching a hand. "We need to leave, right now!"

"QUISTIS!" Xu cried, dropping to her knees in order to get closer to her friend. "Can _you _read my poker face?"

The alcohol on the brunette's breath was enough to make anyone standing too close to her blackout drunk. Quistis grabbed her wrist. "Xu, I'm not worried about your poker face right now! Remember Nida? He needs our help!"

Xu's hazel eyes searched Quistis's face, as if her sober mind was trying to remind her drunken mind of something really, _really _important. "…shit!" she finally exclaimed. "That's why we came here, wasn't it?"

"Yes!"

"It wasn't to get shit-wrecked, was it?"

"No!"

"He's my husband, isn't he?"

"YES!"

"FUCK!" Xu leapt up, exulted and with her arms high in the air. "LET'S DO THIS!"

Quistis grinned and held her own arms up to Xu so that she could better help her down from the catwalk. She felt herself being pushed around by the unruly crowd, but it didn't matter. "Come on, Xu!"

"XU, WATCH OUT BEHIND YOU!"

Kiros was only several feet away from Quistis and Xu, and was in a prime position to witness what happened next. Lady Zsa Zsa appeared from behind the curtain, and as Xu pumped her fists in the air, the drag queen conjured up a formidable Thundaga spell and aimed it directly at the back of the brunette's head.

Both Kiros and Quistis squeezed their eyes shut, not willing to see Xu get magically pummeled into submission. There was a loud CLAP of thunder, a bright flash, and…

"Bitch, please!"

The crowd suddenly came alive with fear. Patrons were running in every which direction, screaming and crying and doing everything except being civil. Kiros saw his chance and ran to Quistis, who still had her eyes closed.

"Look up," he said in her ear, shaking her gently.

Xu still stood tall, and was laughing at Zsa Zsa from the opposite end of the catwalk. She held up her hand, and on her ring finger glittered a piece of jewelry that was not only fabulous, but functional - a Bolt Ring. "Did you _really _think that I came to this party unprepared, you sparkling hussy?" Xu queried. Quistis almost felt the need to throw her head back and laugh - she forgot that one of the brunette's talents was instant sobriety! Inexplicable, and yet it got the SeeD out of several precarious situations, not including this once. The instructor always just liked to think that Xu had trained her liver much in the same way that Rinoa had trained Angelo. "You have no idea who you're dealing with!"

The surprise on Zsa Zsa's face was anything but invisible, but the queen quickly disguised her emotions with atypical arrogance. "SeeD! Bunch of tacky whores that know how to ruin a party, that's what you are," she growled, directing her attention at Quistis and Kiros. "But I bet your friends ain't wearing the same bootleg-ass jewelry that you're flaunting!"

Quistis wracked her brain feverishly, yet each potential plan was foiled by the fact that no one had come equipped with their weapons or magic. It was a frustrating situation to be in, especially since the blonde had become so accustomed to being prepared at all times. Unfortunately, bars and clubs were savvy to those who carried dangerous weapons or spells and scanned each and every individual at the door for said items. This week, seeing as Deling City was practically oozing tourists, they were being even more careful than usual…

"Shit, shit, shit…" Quistis cursed under her breath, watching as Lady Zsa Zsa prepared another spell.

_I can't let anyone get hurt - but how am I supposed to DO that? Too many people - not enough time - Nida - _

"_QUISTY!" _

Yes! Why hadn't she thought of it before? A small, squeaky voice that she normally tuned out all of sudden became loud and commanded each thread of her attention. All this time, Carbuncle had been curled up in the recesses of her mind; he'd been strangely silent as of late, but that was probably because of all the alcohol Quistis ingested. She couldn't help but laugh, knowing that out of context it probably looked a little weird. Kiros gave her the side-eye as she smiled. Of course! Bouncers scanned for magic and weapons, but they'd never be able to detect a Guardian Force.

"Oh, I've never been happier to hear your voice!" she cried.

"_Lemme at 'em, Quisty! Do it!" _

Nothing more needed to be said. Knowing the severity of the situation almost made Carbuncle appear in fast-forward; a tiny hole appeared on the catwalk that instantly grew large enough for the Guardian Force to emerge from. Lady Zsa Zsa's jaw dropped as the aquamarine-colored creature sprang free - not intimidating to look at, but its uncharacteristic appearance in Edge made Carbuncle all the more threatening.

Zsa Zsa wasted no time in hurling her second Thundaga spell in the direction of wee little Carbuncle. However, the ruby that adorned the creature's forehead flickered with a curious light as he hopped in front of Quistis and Kiros - and just in the nick of time! The spell bounced harmlessly off of Carbuncle thanks to his own signature spell, Reflect.

…this didn't stop Kiros from instinctively standing in front of Quistis to shield her from harm.

Although the lightning didn't come in contact with Quistis or Kiros, it didn't quite hit Lady Zsa Zsa either. Rather, the Thundaga spell connected with one of the stage curtains and it caught on fire instantly. The club had been in a state of panic before this scuffle broke out, but with the sights and smells of a conflagration it became chaos.

A loud, clear voice from behind Quistis suddenly rang loud above the confusion. "I've heard of _flamboyant, _but damn! This is outta control!" Zell stood with his hands on his hips, proud of himself for creating a pun; unfortunately, no one else felt the same way. It took him a second or two for the knowledge to sink in. "Tch, fine - see if I laugh next time one of ya'll tries to make a joke in a tense situation…"

"We need to find Nida," Xu reminded everyone as she clambered down from the catwalk. Quistis grabbed her hand and helped to steady the brunette as she placed her feet safely back on the ground, still a little tipsy but coherent enough to function. "I don't want to leave this place without him!"

The blonde squeezed her friend's hand and tugged gently in the direction of the entrance. "Xu, right now we need to think of ourselves! Who's to say that they weren't lying to us anyway?" Thick smoke began to fill the air as several of the club's cocktail waitresses and bartenders attempted to put out the quickly-spreading flames with buckets of water and a shoddy fire extinguisher. "Come on!"

"But Q!" Xu cried, tugging back. "What if he's tied up in some fucking back room and can't get out? Some SeeDs we'd be if we didn't find him!"

Quistis opened her mouth to speak, but she knew that Xu was correct - especially as far as the instructor was concerned. Come Hell or high water, she never left anyone behind, and certainly felt uneasy with the possibility of doing so now. As the fire spread, setting the bar ablaze due to all the spilled alcohol, the anxiety practically began to choke her.

"Why are we even worrying about this?" Zell finally spoke up. "Seifer's looking for Nida! Hell, I bet they're outside by now!"

Xu raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

Zell nodded. "Yeah! So what the hell are we doing standin' here?"

By this point, they were the only ones standing in the center of the club. Even the employees had long since abandoned hope and evacuated, knowing that the Deling City fire department was their only chance of saving the establishment. Kiros was glancing around nervously, watching as the smoke and flames grew around them, boxing them in.

"That's it!" the adviser suddenly exclaimed, grabbing Quistis's and Xu's arms. "No sense in this conversation right now! Let's go!"

The four of them ran towards the entrance, although Xu was dragging her feet a bit more than the rest. Quistis wanted to believe it was because she was still a little intoxicated, but every so often the brunette wore her heart on her sleeve like the rest of the world. She really did care about Nida, marriage certificate or not.

It would be funny to see how things were going to play out once Seifer and Nida -

"Not so fast!" bellowed a resounding baritone voice. "If this club is burning to the ground, we're all going down with it!"

"Oh, _fuck," _Zell moaned, slapping his forehead with his palm. "Not when the damn ceiling's above to cave in!"

Lady Sunfire, the most elusive of the drag queens (not to mention the most masculine) was all that stood between them and freedom. Her ruby red gown glittered menacingly, its sequins appearing to be on fire just like the rest of the club. She brandished no magic, but instead held a long, curved knife in one hand; her other hand was clenched into a tight fist.

The martial artist looked down at his own fists - puny in comparison to Sunfire's. He could only begin to imagine the damage he'd be capable of if he had meat hooks that were as impressive as the drag queen's! Was she a force to be reckoned with?

"I've had it with all of you!" Sunfire declared, jabbing her knife at them. "You ruin the show, you burn down the club, and _you!" _She pointed the blade directly at Xu, "You took my prized possession!"

"What in Hyne's name are you jibbering about?" Xu asked with a shrug. "I didn't take _shit _from you! All I did was borrow Giacomo Gerogero for awhile!"

Zell stared up at the ceiling. "_Kidnap _sounds about right," he muttered, rocking back and forth on his bare feet - the heels were long since discarded.

The SeeD operative heard him and held up a hand. "Be that as it may," she began, "if you don't kindly get the hell out of our way in the next several seconds, Too Wong Fu, we're all going to burn."

Sunfire scoffed. "Serves you right! Liar!"

"What do we have to lie about?" Quistis was losing her patience with this situation - unless Sunfire had a death wish, this made no sense. None. Not an iota.

"Seriously!" Xu growled. "Why are you such a raging bitch all of a sudden? You never even spoke to us! I didn't even know you had vocal chords until right about now!"

Kiros suddenly had a strange vision of his good friend Ward in a strapless red gown - similar to the one Sunfire was wearing - and he felt his stomach lurch. Bad visual.

The queen took a step forward, holding the knife out in front of her. "One of you has my bracelet! I want it back!"

"You're keeping us from getting outside…over a piece of fucking _jewelry_?" Quistis had had it. The fire was out of control. The smoke was thick, smelled foul and was polluting every square inch of available air. The perspiration had long since soaked through her shirt. She shook Kiros's hand from her arm and was about to handle the situation herself when Xu began to fish through her pockets and purse.

"It's not just any piece of jewelry!" Sunfire corrected Quistis, her expression twisted and hard. She looked more like a demonic clown than a drag queen at this point, mainly because the heat was melting the makeup from her face. "I _won _that bracelet! I was a runner up on DruSaul's _Drag Race _four years ago! That show was going to make me a _star!" _

"What happened?" Zell inquired. Quistis rolled her eyes - of _course _he'd want to know the inner workings of a reality television show centered around drag performers.

Sunfire frowned. "What _always _happens on these shows!" She lowered the knife, as if the memory that had resurfaced was truly painful. "Tequila Mockingbird was my competitor - bitch stole my sequins! How was I supposed to finish my leotard without the tickle-me-pink sequins?"

Now, this story was strange enough - but it was far, _far _stranger being told in the deep, rumbling voice of Lady Sunfire. Before she could lament further, Xu pulled her hand from her pocket and thrust its contents into the face of the queen. "Here! Take it!"

"Oh!" Quistis watched as Sunfire snatched the bracelet from Xu's hand; it was sapphire encrusted and quite ornate. She vaguely recalled seeing it at some point last night… "Xu! You needed something _blue _for your wedding!"

The brunette took a moment to absorb that information, then let out one loud laugh. "Oh, yeah! Makes sense, doesn't it?"

A loud _crash! _suddenly brought them back to their senses. "CAN WE GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE NOW?" Zell screeched, not in the mood for the ceiling to fall on his head.

Sunfire slipped the bracelet over her large hand and stepped aside, following them out the door and into the street. The fresh air was almost overwhelming, and Quistis closed her eyes as she took in a deep breath. A man ran by and accidentally bumped into the blonde, sending her reeling - but Kiros wasn't far away and without a moment's hesitation steadied her.

The crowd was just as dense outside of the club as it had been inside; curious spectators gathered as the club blazed, waiting to see the final outcome. Overhead, an otherwise clear night sky had been disgraced with dark gray smoke. In the distance, live music was playing, uninterrupted by the calamity of the burning building.

Xu was balancing herself on Zell's shoulders as she jumped up and down, trying to find any trace of Seifer and Nida over the crowd. She was exactly the tallest of women and was cursing her lack of vertical prowess. "Do you see them?"

He shook his head. "Nah, but I'm not much taller than you, Xu."

She felt panic take grip in her chest as she looked around. The crowd was constantly in motion - either people walking past, or others clinging to each other - some were even dancing to the music they heard in the distance. It wasn't in her nature to be so nervous; hell, being nervous was actually making Xu _more _nervous. What if Seifer didn't find him? What if he gave up and escaped? Could Nida have found his own way out? Perspiration formed on her forehead, and Xu tried to tell herself it was from the heat of the flames, but to no avail.

"You okay?" Zell inquired softly, seeing the fear on her face. He was unsure how to respond - Xu was just as likely to punch him as she was to start crying. This was uncharted territory; emotional responses from the operative were few and far between, save for if someone spilled a cocktail or got too rowdy at a party.

"Is everyone all right?" Quistis interjected after regaining her own composure. She placed a hand on Xu's shoulder; the brunette nodded and offered up a weak smile. Kiros took several steps away from the group, presumably to scan the crowd for Seifer. "Don't worry, Xu - I'm sure Seifer and Nida and just fine."

"What if they're not, Q?" she retorted. "We didn't see Giacomo, or that creepy bastard that called me a breadstick -"

"Believe me, Seifer can handle them."

Xu raised an eyebrow. "You have too much faith, Quistis."

The blonde shook her head. "No, it's not that. I just know him extraordinarily well. Seifer's a pain in the ass at times, but for all his complaining the last thing he'll do is let you down."

Zell overheard this and found that a sensation not unlike anger had begun to simmer beneath his skin. What was it - jealousy? No, it couldn't have been. He ran a hand over his sweaty, matted hair… What did he have to be jealous of?

Was that question as rhetorical as it seemed?

_Don't kid yourself, Dincht. If you an' Almasy only controlled yourselves earlier, none of this would be happening right now! You _know _what you're jealous of, and it ain't just Kiros getting all of Quisty's attention all of a sudden…_

"Xu!" As if on cue, the sound of Kiros's voice broke through Zell's moment of introspection and added to the ever-growing feeling of ire that had taken root in his belly. "Seifer found him!"

He didn't have to tell her twice. Xu looked in the direction of Edge and saw Seifer emerging from the smoke. The tall blond was barefoot and wigless, but he still wore a soot-covered purple gown that was tattered and ripped along the hem. A man accompanied him, his arm slung over Seifer's shoulder and his head was covered with a burlap bag. Once the gunbladist's eyes fixated on Xu, Zell, and Quistis, he gave an encouraging nod. Finally! Nida was back with his friends - back with the people he belonged with!

"Almasy!" Xu tore away from Quistis and Zell to meet Seifer, her hazel eyes glittering with what _could _be considered tears, but she would never admit it. "Is he okay?"

"I think so," Seifer replied, more than willing to let Xu shoulder some of Nida's weight as she grabbed his other arm. "Didn't have time to really check - I just grabbed him and got out of there."

Without warning, Nida began to squirm about. "Ah! What the - is there a bag on my head? Get it off! Get it off!"

Seifer stepped away from Nida now that he was able to support his own weight. "All right, Nida," he said as he grabbed the bag and tugged it off of his head. "Hold your chocobos!"

Quistis watched from a distance as he removed the bag from Nida's head. Why he had even _left _the bag on was a mystery, but the instructor just assumed that Seifer was in a rush - not to mention how much smoke was pouring out of the club. It was probably for the better…

"AHH! WHO IN THE EVER-LOVING FUCK ARE YOU?"

"I'm Nida!"

"The hell you are! We're looking for Nida Casales!"

"…I'm Nida Roth. But hey, I'll be _your _Nida! Just don't put me back in that dang basement!"

Perhaps it would have been best if Seifer had just left the bag on permanently.

* * *

A/N: Ah! How is this fic already a year old - to the day, even? I can't even believe that much time has gone by! I have to thank everyone for reviewing & favorite-ing the story, even though I haven't been as timely as I should have been with chapter updates. For some reason, this particular chapter gave me such a g'damn headache for the past, uh...however many months since my last update. But it's done, and out of the way, and probably SUCKS - but no matter! Now I can dedicate myself to moving forward!

Hope you enjoyed, and feel free to leave a comment or two! I love reading them!


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